I really am trying to update more. promise.
and with less whiny depressing content. But there always seems to be better things to do when in a good mood.
So I mentioned before my nerotic habit of wallowing in my downs. I kind of get off on feeling so down. Laying in bed at night completely depressed rather soothing. (though not as soothing as resting next to a nice strong boy who holds you in his arms. ....am I being a lame romantic?)
It's hard to explain, but there's almost a freedom in thinking that things can't be any worse, feeling trapped. Feeling out of control of everything. Fantasizing about the world ending, the thought of not waking the next morning, to be completely free of everything. I think this all falls in the catogory of my being a masocist. Wanting to be tied up, pinned down. ....pain in various forms, be it self inflicted or frome someone else. I just give off on those intense emotions and there freedom.
With my anti convulsive medication chilling out my bi polar issues I no longer have such intense downs. So after having a bad day, one that blew ass beyond words, one where I normally would fantasize about having the upper hand, being the cause that brings so much pain to those which exercised their power to give me pain. I'm now scolding myself for having such thoughts, and thinking of how things could be better and how everything is my fault. And suddenly I am out of control. Suddenly I'm stressed and confused and worried and having a panic attack all when I am trying to sleep.
Anyway, time for bed for me. Will see what the next day brings.
11:53 p.m. - September 24, 2007
Recent entries:
Change. - March 17, 2016
Yes, I have returned. - March 12, 2016
Me being overly analytical of Britney and Christina - July 31, 2008
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Fantasy is sometimes better than reality. - July 24, 2008
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