Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Yum
May 21, 2004 4:29 a.m.

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Okay, so I'm not going into details but in order for things to make sense I have to state that I got some seriously awesome play. It was a totally one time thing but it was sooooo good. That night is going to be seriously hard to beat. The only thing that would have made it better would have been for me to be more experienced and much more relaxed. I was really nervous and admittedly I wish I could have reciprocated more but I just didn't think the timing was right. At that exact moment I wasn't ready. ...but if that person were here now, I think I would be. I think the reason I'm so cool with it being a one time thing is because I knew that going in. I have be led on by so many guys that to be with one where I knew there were no mind games going on, having no expectations, and knowing that the only way I was going to be hurt by the situation would be if I let myself be. I don't think I can stress that enough. It was so nice to be with someone and not worry about mind games or emotional bagage...nothing but mutual desire to have fun and enjoy sexual compatability.

Mmm but because of this I've been soaring for the past few days. basicly lacking the weight of almost 24 years of repression.

And I've had a sudden surge of confidence. I really want Mr. Hottie Hottie (the coffeehouse guy) to be working so I can go in and walk right up to the counter and say something like "So Mr. Hottie (insert his actual name here). All this time, you haven't asked me out. Why is that?" ...maybe include "girlfriend?".

I just totally want to go after him. And I know I did sorta before....but I didn't have this kind of confidence.

Oh and you know what the weird thing about all of this? This entry comes a exactly 1 year after my posting of Jeff's email. Strange how the world works huh?

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Otep

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