Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

I guess I miss my friends
December 28, 2003 12:00 a.m.

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So I spent the past 2 days with B and C's family. I love them. I want that family.

A large group of 9 of us (Me, B, C, (their)Mom, Dad, 2 brothers, Sister, Sister-n-Law,) went and saw Return of the King. That would make my 3rd time seeing it. (saw it with the parents Christmas day). I swear that film gets better every single time I see it. I made that commented afterwards and Jen (sister-n-law) said she had only seen it twice. I find that incredibly funny. The film had been out 10 days and is 3 1/2 hours long and someone is comment that they have ONLY seen it twice.

Oh and I finally finished the book the night before, so now I have a greater appreciation for the ending than when I saw it the first time when I had maybe 30 pages to go. Although now the additional conflict that was added at the end that I was constantly whining about...I like. I mean I really like it and (even though I understand why it was cut out) would like to see it. But tonight Mr. X told me that the extended version of the The Return of the King is going to be 5 hours......so it would be severally AWESOME if that ending is used!!!

Oh and I spent the evening with a group of people.....a couple of hours into it....my body just seemed to absolutely reject the experience. I didn't want to be around those people. I didn't care what they had to say. They weren't saying anything that I thought was important interesting, and after sitting there for a while I finally got up and left. I just wasn't happy, in fact I was quite the opposite. and I figured if the whole point of the evening was to sit around and have a good time and I wasn't....there was no point in my being there. It was a waste of my time (which I've really done so much with that time haven't I) and spoiling their evening because I was being a bitch of a drag, and I'm not really sure why. I think I was the extreme of the change, I had just spent time with the people I love the most and am entirely secure with and then throw back into the water with their mediocure replacements. I mean I was so angry and frustrated about things as I was driving to their (b and c) house...I was even fighting back tears at one point,....worried that when I got there I'd regret going there and that I would just be bring them down, and wondering how I was going to hide how upset I was....and then I think I was when C greeted me at my car with their big ol' black lab that I just got this big smile and my face that took a long time to fade. Their mom actually commented on it,...asking what I was smiling about it. She said I looked like the cat who had just eaten the canary. I really miss them.

Oh, (yeah I know this has gotten unintentionally freakishly long but) I think I've decided to be come a Rohan dork. I just love the Rohan. Thinking about going back into the books and reading all I can about them, and finding sites on them and groups and reading Beowolf again because it was the inspiration for them. but this might fade because I remember when I wanted to become the greatest living expert on The Cell. eh...I think at the back of my mind still want to do that...but I'm lacking desire right now. Anyway, I've got a lot of unpacking and organizing and cleaning to do before family comes to town tomorrow, I've just kept putting off doing it because it's really the last thing in the world I want to do.

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