Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

The Hot Printmaking Prof.
September 09, 2002 11:56 a.m.

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Okay, so I went out to visit B at the coffeehouse today after my class, and while I was there the remarkably hot, new printmaking professor came in. this older professor-turned-back-to-school-grad-student introduced me to him. I had seen in before, last week at the galelry opening, but his was the first tiem I had seen him up close and personal.

And OH My Gosh is he hot. I mean, he is the first guy since T (or maybe B's former housemate) who I have instinctively thought of has hot. I mean there are guys who are attractive who I allow to grow on me a bit,...but this guy, Wow! He has the perfect clothing style. He was wearing these nice, just over sized enough, and wore out just enough jeans, and this wore out goodwill-style (emo style) tshirt. ..and he has some interesting tattoos, hidden a bit, on his arm. ....and his hair is a sort of light brown blondish color, with this sort of I-don't-care-what-my-hair-looks-like-style. to it. ....mmmmmm wow! very very hot.

B couldn't believe he was a teacher (looks really young).

And I pretty much made a fool of myself,(but to quote Sex and the City, "it was the zah zah zue!)

But it doesn't matter, there's not a chance in hell I can get this guy, I mean, not only is he hot, and could have anyone (I bet he does have someone) I doubt he'd ever pick me, even him he does dig on me,...because I'm a student. But....aleast there's at least one hot guy one campus, A sign from God proven they're still out there.

unsetting B news.
September 09, 2002 11:33 a.m.

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I think I am going to write my more upsetting entry first.

I wrote the other day about the girl that B loves for real, I mean they've been some what engaged for awhile, though their relationship makes absolutely no sense to me. ...she came back up last weekend, even though he didn't want her to, andit seems she has been really hard core trying to seduce him lately, so he didn't want to be alone with her, so I ended up staying at his place until 5am on friday and I saw the whole time how she was trying to play him. It made me so angry, mainly because I can't believe she would do that to him, I me she knows his position on the whole 'sex' thing, and the fact that she would be so blatently unsupportive, pisses me off. (I talked to him about this last night and he conqured everything I mentioned.)

And that morning when I went to my place and went to bed, I had an awful fit of crying....and I have no idea why

Maybe it was jealousy.
Maybe Anger.
Maybe Anger due to the fact I was jealous and I shouldn't be.
Maybe out of confusion
Maybe anger for being confused.
Maybe because of my Grandmother.
Maybe because of my Father
Maybe because the reality of the T situation decided to sink in.

I dunno, whatever it was, it was awful. It was the full on ugly, loud, uncontrollable cry. I cried, I prayed, I attempted to sing praise songs, I cried harder....and some how managed to fall asleep. I woke up the next morning to the sound of my alarm, unable to remember calming down from this fit. I've thought I had cried myself to sleep before, but it seems I was wrong, maybe this is what that mean all along. ...And I came back from my parents house last night (went home to watch Sex and the City) and came back to find that he and her had had this huge blow out of a fight, and had become offically unenaged and He doesn't even know if they are going to be speaking. and I could see how upset he was. He told me it was the closest thing to a broken heart that he had ever experenced ...and I felt so bad for him because I know how much he loves her. I can see it in his eyes when he speaks with her on the phone, and can see it in his face whenever he is around her. I have always found it to be so beautiful, but now I can see the pain in his face, and in his body language, and it hurts me so because I want to do something for him, and there is nothing I can do. Except be there for him him he needs me.

There are times, like last night, when I wish, more than anything, that I could hug him, but I live in fear of touching him.

I just hate that his is in so much pain, and there is nothing I can do to help.

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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