I say we are serious yet undefined.
June 16, 2003 11:12 p.m.

I saw Jeff last weekend (among other people and places) and I have to say I'm getting better at this whole kissing thing. We made-out friday night, and again saturday morning,...yes I know...I stayed the night curled up in his arms on his couch. ...something about the fact that we aren't sleeping in a bad makes it seem okay. See, what happens is we watch a movie and the once it's over we still stay wrapped up together and don't feel like getting up, we just enjoy the darkness, the silence, and the stillness, as well as one another company. Well, I guess I can't speak for him, but that's how I feel about it. ...And the we just sorta fall asleep.....except for friday when we made out alittle.

But the weird thing is that I dunno....I somehow disassociate him holding my hand...or kissing from him like to hang out with....I mean...don't get me wrong....It's weird, it's like he has manifested in my mind as 3 different guys. The one I cuddle with in the dark. then there's the one I hang out with and talk with, and then it's different still when we are in a social setting. Don't get me wrong, I'm attracted to him in all forms....but someone whole I'm slept with on a couch and have kissed.....when we're in a social situation I don't know how to react when he places his hand on my leg. And when he walked me to my car before I left he kissed me goodbye...and I was all shy again like friday/saturday never happened. But then again it was my first goodbye kiss.....another one of those mythical things I heard about and seen other do...or seen in a movie but never experienced.

Then today as I was enjoying being in my apt I couldn't help but miss him and want him to come here. I want to be with him here in my space. ...another level of intimacy. ...He's kissed me but hasn't met any of my close friends, never been to my apt.

The idea of allowing him into this space that is so personal to me....and I think is so lovely and decorated reflecting my personality....that to be with him here....that is my current fantasy. and when I say be...I mean exist. ...to just allowing him into my personal space that just seems so beautiful and intimate.

I also have had the desire to give him my testimonty. ...This girl monica asked me about my religion the other night at the cookout,...and there I was surrounded by serious Catholics not quite knowing how to respond....though me off guard and I felt like I was saying all the wrongs things. ....I think I need to tell him as a means to clarify as well as....again a further extension of intimacy. ....Plus I first heard the real voice of God in a Catholic Church...so I'm not miltent towards Catholics just because I'm protastant.