Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Trainwreck
April 06, 2005 5:30 a.m.

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Dear reader you have just found a trainwreck. if this is not your cup of tea move on your merry way.

however, if you decide to stay, make awknowlegement of the warning and refrain from judgement.

and this very moment I am infused with an intense flow of electric energy. My mind is over run and my body is twitching.

these are the moments that days later I label as insanity. My brain is relentlessly producing words and thoughts and my only hope of survival is to allow my wrestless (today i feel the need to spell things with w's. ...all day I've written 'right' as write'....clearly wrestless is restless....now realize that in this crazymixedupworld I'm in right now....spelling is as I wish it to be reguardless of who the world tells me to be.)

....my wrestless body to beat out this things into the nothingness and to fell the echosome epty void.

I'm in a panic orinated depression. .....depression such a crazy word to decribe the desire I have to throw myself around the room.

this is one of those glorified suicidal hazes. ....knowing well enough I'll never do it because I always find a mistake.

tonight the saving grace is the boyfriend. I couldn't do that to him. I see is eyes and thinking of his crushed spirit and I can't be the cause of that.

so what is this crazy whirl inside my head.....the same...failure, complacency....the unable to change the existance I have made...not even knowing where to begin!!! finding it all hopeless and only seeing a future of bad....knowing that each day is a step towards worse so why not quit while I am a head. I'm ashamed of how much promise I have squanded and this useless wrech I have become. feeling weaker than the world and embaressed of that fact.

why was I born? what good have I done? There are days when I'm convinced I'm just a muse. Bri is a phoenix and I am a muse. that's possible right? of course it is.....inspiring the best, giving my all to everyone and no having any inspiration or will for myself.

I form words and people want me...but they aren't great words, nothing special. I'm not a great writer and I never will be....but somehow I've found the way to seduce with words and text and sex.

and I dewell and scold and I think and scold and I do and I act and I do thing wrong thing....compelled but some random will to do the wrong thing.

my body write now is sick. my hair breaking and falling apart...my throat burning and itching...my body starving for something ...thristing thristing thirsting thirsting thristing thirsting thirsthing thirsing thing thing thing thing thing thing thing sing thing thing king think think think thing..........alfdj alkdfj; lakjdflsfd alkajfl ....lalfla

I fell myself wanting to expand go everywhere at wonce, feeling traped in this blob of fresh that is ugly and unfitting. I want to be beauiful and create beauty, create create creation creation

funny, my body in rebellyon, wanting to create when I've cessed to make life. today, this very day...amyst a world preparing for creating and rebirth I have refused the calling of future generations. On this the first day of my cycle I have refuted the call. in death the body of the uncreated pours from my body and I wage war on the subject to maintain the status quo. That's right I just started THE PILL....the pill, the infamous, tiny little thing that is suppose to reduce my pain and keep me sane....well at this very moment, it isn't working. maybe I'm tyred, maybe I'm troubled...maybe I'm oding on caffine, alieve or god knows what else I've taking today,...maybe one too many Oreos, maybe too much fruit...maybe and complete and under suger attack....maybe my mind and body are overeacting to the new injection of hormones....and this horrmonal period in time...horrible, hormonal, horny...what a perfect collections of words.....

creation, masturbation and thirst.

I tried to masturbate with the power of friction and the attempt failed in flight.

and times like these when I need and use it to feel good and as a temperary fix....I wonder if I'm an addict...needing more like a sex slave, tired and sore....(Otep Lyrics)

my eyes blink and I stare.....the heavy numb peace weighs in.

I am unworthy and wrong.

trapped in this thing of my creating, unworthy, and waiting.

unworthy and waiting.

this one's going to hurt alot.

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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