Can things be going too well?
September 29, 2003 11:00 p.m.

I have no idea what it is I am feeling.

I think it all started when I got off the phone with B...(he sends his best btw. ....okay I lied but he is doing well and that was very good to hear).

I think I'm having one of my minor panic attacks. I've just been freaking out. ...my heart in my throat and stomach at the same time. My head spinning and I have this horrible feeling in my gut that something is wrong.

And the thing is....I think it's caused by quite the contray! I was a very productive Raven today (not doing workwork but doing Ravenwork)

Did I meantion I've been excited to apply for a specific job? Yeah! it's as a early morning receptionist! 5:30am - 1:30pm. ....Now at first this might sound horrible....but think of the hours the Raven girl keeps. The Raven girl hates afternoons....LOVES to sleep though the afternoons, but I come alive at 10pm! ...and once I wake up at 10 I can go all the next day....It's a consistent pattern for me. ....So imagine this....I go to work at 5:30am. ...work till 1:30. Come home relax a bit...go to bed at 3pm (my usual napping time) get up around 10pm ...my usual waking time. Get up....go out and do something with the peeps. be back around 2 am at the latest for a week night because most people I know would have to keep normal hours. So that could give me ATLEAST a 2 hour block which I could use for painting! And I mean I say all the time that the best time to create art is between 12am and 6am. So I can create some art undisturbed then shower, grab a bite to eat and head to work! Plus if I decided I need to run an errand in the afternoon I can just go to bed maybe an hour later or get up a bit earlier. Oh and the kicker! It pays $10.50 an hour to do basicly the same shit I've been doing! The only problems I see are Tuesday bowling starting 5:30pm and Wednsday Beertrek at 8pm.

Here....let me copy the rest from an aim conversation I had with the New Zealand guy.

mysstayken: yeah....got my resume faxed off for the 5:30am position feeling rather proud and optimistic. (~smile~ spent most of the afternoon at work doing that.....but what they don't know can't hurt me right?

mysstayken: Then I found out this evening that the Lawyer girlfriend of my boss would possibly like me to come and work for her in the afternoons (I wasn't told directly but told by a reliable source that she said that)

mysstayken: And I popped out to the ice cream place that is currently displaying my work and found out that they have been receiving a number of compliments.....particually from the guy who runs the frame store/gallery across the street. He was apparently impressed and asked about me. ...so I need to go in and meet him sometime soon.

I feel kinda weird about it all....I dunno....maybe that because things seem to be going so well that it just seems like something horrible is just around the corner. .....Does that sound as jaded and cynical as I think it does?

Slap me for saying this...but it's like the Jeff situation. Everything in my life was Perfect! I was dating an awesome guy, having prayers answered left and right....getting my art out in the world...getting my life saved and my faith renewed and then BAM the shit hit the fan and the rug, pulled out from under me. Guess I'm really scared that's gonna happen again.