confusion and tears
February 11, 2005 4:30 a.m.

I have such a difficult time as it is drawing myself away from them. Living every day lost in them,...conflicted over things that do not exist in reality. ...my lines between fantasy and reality are becoming so blurred right now that I'm getting confused.

Now dreams can be deceiving, like faces are to hearts, they serve for sweet release when Fantasy......And Reality.........lie.........to far.............apart. ~Fiona Apple

One of these days, if I don't take care of myself, I'm going to lose all touch with reality. I fall asleep living in a fantasy, I awake in a fantasy. It is so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning because I don't want to leave that world.

My imagination is so vivid that I am there. ...If I think I'm falling asleep in someone’s arms, I do. ...and I wake up the next morning still next to them...and I don't want to leave that world. I know in the world I am happy.

Really....I'm attempting to be poetic about it and romanticize the notion....but really...I'm dead serious...and it's a scary thing for me. I'm so good at fantasy and so shit at reality. I'm sooo good at living in that world.

On a completely different subject,....I made Becky cry tonight,...at least I think I did...I mean....ugh.

She's been seeing a lot of some boy lately...and I have never known about her seeing a boy or even liking a boy. ..or rather...anyone. this is not gender specific. I have never heard her babble on about a crush, and I've known her for maybe 10 years! I mean...I've never had a boy friend...but I rattle on and on about my pathetic crushes.

So I kinda teased her some tonight...and she knew I was kidding...I told her I had to make up for 10 years of not being able to tease her about this sort of thing.

but a little later...I was probing a bit much...I know...I shouldn't have, but I'm curious. ...I mean...last I knew they had their first date and she said he was nice and they had nothing in common....but then she started hanging out with him quite a lot and has stayed the night with him a few times (like last night) ...and I know absolutely nothing about this guy! I'm curious! Who is this boy that my flat mate has deemed worthy of her time? ....I was asking these very simple questions...and she wasn't responding...just sitting there thinking. And the thing is that we joke about me being the extrovert and her the introvert. ...I mean. Fuck we even developed new nicknames for one another as of late Nef (Neurotic Extroverted Flatmate) and Eif (Elitist Introverted Flatmate) (*Side Note: Mike you are Mif, male invited friend). but the thing is....she has become comfortable with me. We met in the first place because she was sitting before PE class the summer before my freshman year in high school and I walked up to her, I think she was reading Interview with the Vampire, and I was obbcessed with Anne Rice at the time, and I said "Hi, I'm Raven. I don't know anyone, can I sit with you". And she said sure, and I've been friends ever since. ...for some reason she opened up to me. We get one another so well...have so many running jokes and gags.. our own vocabulary. I mean...we speak in dry sarcasm so much that we almost don't know how to not talk like that. We know and understand one another like that. ...so the idea of her being quiet with me is weird! She's quiet with so many people...but not me...so that's why I kept asking simpler things, trying to put her at ease...help her understand that I wasn't expecting some dramatic statement of intent or purpose...... and at one point she said that she's not sure about the whole thing and that she's waiting to figure it out first before she really talked to me about it. (me the extrovert that works problems out by sharing them with others ~coughcoughthisdiarycoughcough~ doesn't quit get that idea sometimes.) and I told her that that was something she could tell me! I mean...she's only been dating him maybe a week...I'm not expecting her to tell me she can't live with out him...I'm just curious. ...and at some point she tells me that she doesn't understand what he sees in her.

....Now Becky is So beautiful! Gorgeous hair, Perfect skin. Amazing figure. ...She's sooo much smarter than me. I mean there are time when I just shrink back waiting for her to tell me I'm stupid, and that I'm talking out my ass and I know nothing of history, politics, and my vocabulary inadequate. Oh...and her sense of humor is fucking fantastic! she's brilliantly funny! She's Amazing! I love her! really, for all my egotistical bragging, she's the catch of the house.

So when she said that she didn't understand why he likes her.....I responded casually, (oh...and you have to know that if sarcasm were quarters we'd be fucking rich. She knows when I'm being sarcastic, when I'm being serious...and what things I say are serious and what things are sarcastic. She Knows.) So I said to her "Well yeah aside from that whole gorgeous, smart, funny thing..."

And ....I dunno....I don't know if she just has low self esteem and thinks really poorly of herself....I'm guessing that there's something going on that I don't know about....but...her face just flushed up...and then I noticed that she was developing tears ...and really I don't think I've ever seen her cry! I mean....I dunno...it was so awkward. I mean...if I had known that all that would end in her crying I wouldn't have brought any of it up (but that little voice in my head is telling me that I brought it up because I care. I want good things for her....I want to know that things are going well for her and if she is happy and excited).