Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

T and september 11.
August 22, 2002 9:50 a.m.

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Oh, and another sad T fact. I will always remember the last time I spoke to him. I even have a relic from that day.

Last year my uni had a visiting artist come and set up a memorial for Sept. 11 by making flowers out of plastic bottles. while this might sound pretenious,...it wasn't. The idea wasn't the focus on the end result, but rather bringing people together to be constructive as opposed to destructive.

At the the ceremony concluding that weeks work resulting in a flower garden was held in the early eveing, and anyone who had donated money to the Red Cross was able to have on of the flowers. ...And I have one.

This was also the last day I talked to T. ..I talked with him after the ceremony. So, for me, this flower not only symbolizes the loss on September 11, but also the loss of him.

I( posted these pictures before and didn't explain the signficance. I'm posting them not only because of the T thing, but also Sept. 11 has been on my mind alot lately, with the anniversery coming up.

NOTE: for some reason I guess I just can't show any pictures. I thought it was just my collegeclub ones. but apparetnly it's all of them, so I might just have to break downa and get a gold membership even though I don't really have the money. blast. Instead, I'm linking to them.

The person walking in the white t-shirt on the far right is T.

just a picture of the flowers.

T, I think it's been awhile since I wrote about him.
August 22, 2002 9:32 a.m.

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so I was having a panic attack last night (not a bad one though, but still one). ..Panic attacks increase the speed of my mind, and if my mind thinks in rapid fire as it is, during a panic attack it's many times worse.

The point is, I was trying to figure out why I might be going though these trials. Now, remember this is a panic attack, and therefore all thoughts are irrational, and I consider them otherwise, but.. anyway...

I came to the conclusion, (now this is just one reason, I'm sure there are many contributing factors and plans and I'm not going to think I know God's plan, I'm thinking this just just an extra bonus.) ...It seems like I'm being punished for my crush on T. I mean think about it. I haven't seen basicly a year. Yet I still hold him as my ideal and still wish to somehow see him.....So since removing the fact hasn't gotten me over him ....and since it might seem that I only focus on what I do have, and only what I don't have (him) that maybe the best way to have me realize just how much I really have, is to take it away from me.

Money
Grandmother
Best Friend
Innocence
Friends
Home.

And yet....because I'm in this time of struggle it makes me hold tight to the hope of Seeing T again, and not for a romatic involvement, because clearly if you like a girl, you don't disappear from her life for a year.

But really I just miss my friend. And I really did think we were friends. I thought we were pretty good friends actually, and I really miss the conversations I had with him. ...Now I'm not as dumb to not realize that if I saw him again he's not going to be the same person he was. Hell, I'm not. I have changed considerably, especially in the last month. The point is that I know I'm stuck in this ideal version of him and if I were to see him again I don't know how I would react. Hell, at this point I'm conviced that I've seen him, it's just that he has changed so much that I haven't reconized him.

Meanwhile I now have class with 2 of his friends. One being B's former housemate's girlfriend and the other being the chick that I sat next to in my art history class. So again, being constant reminded that these people are in his life and I am not. And maybe if I could just swallow my pride and ask them directly about him, maybe I might see him again. But I'm all talk and no show. I'll have these great intentions and plan out everything I want to say, but then when I see her (b's housemate's girlfriend) I just don't have the balls to ask...because I'm conviced that they will mention it to him and he will hold me in contempt for still not being over him. but then again, what's he going to do, not talk to me for another year? sppt, I doubt I will ever get to talk to him again unless I innicate it in some way. And I don't have the balls to do that, so I'm just going to bitch and whine about it.