Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Submerged
November 10, 2005 5:56 a.m.

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Whenever I am feeling anxious or depressed I'm always drawn to the lyrics from the Everclear song Normal Like You. and I quote this one line every single time, but to me it just sums up the whole thing perfect.

"Simple minds just cannot seem to understand, You are Neurotic and Depressed, it doesn't mean that you are Sad."

It's like being trapped under water. Deep deep underwater, maybe chained to the bottom with a fair length of slack.

It's a feeling of being cold, and feeling nothing but that cold. The cold density around you. Your breath is hindered. your vision dark and clouded.

But there is some good, and every once and awhile you pull and struggle and fight your way to the surface for a deep breath and a quick glorious look at the sun.

And then the chain is rolled up pulling you under again, ...and it is even more disappointing knowing how good you felt just moments before.

with that I'm specficly referencing sex. ...And I am a bit of a sex addict, often needing more and more, harder, orgasms to achieve the same euphoric "Buzz" state.

Depression kills your sex drive, so does anxiety, so does stress. all of those things make it intensely difficult to achieve orgasm. ...it's a strain and a struggle. ...a battle to pull it all the way up from your toes as it washes over you and you feel warm and relieved and relaxed,....... and then mere moments after everything you were trying to forget, all the stress,...comes flooding back in, and you get pulled under the water again. its frustrating to lay there after sex wanting to feel completely euphoric, but to just feel the same complete cold dread you did before. Because that's what anxiety does to me, it keeps me from feeling anything but dread. someone once compared it to the scene in Trainspotting where Renton OD's. That's very much what it is like, to be submerged, limited field of vision, barely seeing and hearing the world. ...feeling nothing. it really is quite frustrating because no one wants or chooses to feel this way, it just happens.

But, it seems the major problem I was confronted with has resolved it self for the time being and I'm back to just being stressed about a few things. feeling much better and quite relieved, though I need a bit of down time to just relax from being so stressed out.

It would seem my bed is calling and I really could use the sleep.

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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