Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Jewel lyric and a poem
July 07, 2003 10:44 p.m.

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So I just got off the phone with Jeff.

I am instintly thinking of a Jewel lyric. It's on the new record which I have to admit I love. It was exactly what I needed. Wonderfully happy (for the most part) summer music. The light and airly feeling of infatuation I'm feeling right now.

Side Note: My favorite Jewel poem is called:

Infatuation
Infatuation is a strange thing.
a bony creature, thin with feeding on itself.
it is addicted not to its subject
but to its own vain hunger
and needs but a pretty face to fuel its rampant imagination
Humid couch, and sweatly palms
Fleshy carpets ablaze with conquest
But when the conquoring is complete the blood leaves its limbs
and it becomes disenchanted (to the point of disgust)with its subject,
who sits then like a hollow trunk
emptied of its precious cargo
and left to fade
a seed relieved of its transparent husk
to dissolve, finally
on a rough and impatient tongue.

....okay so maybe infatuation is the wrong word given that definition, or maybe she's just defining 'lust' like Chad might say instead? ...and actually what I feeling for Jeff is NOT lust. in fact my sex drive has gone down SIGNFICANTLY since I've been dating him. I think I've had only one good orgasam, and that's not for a lack of trying....especially when my average per attempt is 2-3.

but all that is beside the point though I don't think love is the right word either.. anyway...whatever this feeling I have for Jeff is....the line in one of the songs off the new album is exactly how I feel right now. the line is "Loving is so close to hurting".

Read it again

"Loving is so close to hurting".

Think about it.

As I spoke with him on the phone tonight all I kept thinking about (as this happened the last time I spoke with him on the phone) was how sexy his voice is....and how he has the most beautiful soul ....and just all over how much I really like him. The knowledge -- awareness -- acknowledgement of such makes me more aware of how vulnerable I have made myself in reguards to him and how I really don't want to lose him (if I even have him now). I have this ache for him and at the same time this intense fear that he doesn't feel the same. Granted (aside from his being male) hasn't given me anything to justify my fears. but they are still there......my wonderful feeling of elation is a hair away from depression.

Return visit to St. Joe's
July 07, 2003 8:39 p.m.

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So this afternoon I did something unexpected.

Maybe it was the result of watching way too much 6 ft under (I think I watched the whole last season in under a week....I'm questioning whether or not my mom recorded all of them because that just can't be right)

but.....I've been on edge about everything. ....Paranoid when maybe I shouldn't be. Specificly with the whole Jeff situation. alittle over a week ago at the end of our little "make-out" session ....or if you perfer a bit after we finished watching Shanghi Noon (we made out AFTER the movie. ...movies are for watching and we are movie dorks....of course we watch the movie......making out is for the credits) before he ran upstairs to make sure one of his housemates was up.....we were still sitting on the couch and I was commenting that my hair was a mess....and he just grabbed me and kissed me in such a domineering manner it took my breath away.....and then after kissing me hard for a bit he released me and looking in my eyes and said softly "It doesn't matter". .....so how is it that after a week of phone tag and a weekend where we both and our own engagements.....how have I convinced myself that he doesn't want to see me or talk to me?

anyway maybe all the 6ft depressed and freaked me out about everything or something....but this afternoon I was......I was freaked out about EVERYTHING. ....jeff. my life, my future...shows....career plans....moving plans. it just seems that everything that I was planning a month ago is falling though. My mom's office doesnt' have the money to take me on....so no job when I move back. and my friends who have the studio.....Jeff told me it is pretty small now that that got everything in and he doesn't know if they will have room for me. ...So no studio. Well....rather I will have to get one alone...or maybe with my friend Becky...but again...I don't know if I'll have the money to even have a studio. Ugh....

Anyway....I felt compelled to go to St. Joe's again. Yes...I know....that's twice within the span of a week. But I dunno...both times I've just felt I was called to be there...so I went this time. I went in and prayed for a bit....walked around ...prayed a bit more...walked around prayed some more. I dunno....I just love the calming power of a Catholic church. ....I have issues with the idea of them...all the size and glitter...would Christ really have wanted all that? I dunno.....I can't help but think he wouldn't....regardless if this comes from a real source....I agree with the ideal of the film Stigmata, "The kingdom of God is in you and all around you, not in buildings of wood and stone. Split a piece of wood and I am there. Life a stone and you will find me". ....I mean it's true. A church buildings are just that buildings.

BUT....I can't help but feel the awe that a Catholic church inspires. when I'm in one I can't help but feel God. I just know he's there....I don't get that feeling in a modern, newly remodelled drywall and white paint....pastel stain glass ...and carpet....church buildings.

Yeah...so I was just compelled to drive to a catholic church and pray...for the second time in a week. ...I'm dating a catholic. My best friend is a catholic....I'm hanging out with alot of catholic people.......all pointing in an interesting direction.

And I've yet to tell Jeff about any of this...and he is the only one I really want to share it with. I'm gonna call him around 9 I think cause I really want to talk to him........but I'm starting to get really tired ...but I don't want to use all my day minutes.

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