Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Growing up?
April 24, 2004 5:03 a.m.

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I think I might be starting to grow up. Now...I'll still be the girl that takes every opprotunity to make monster faces in the mirror but...lately I've been confronted with alot of situations that are forcing me to realize that I am becoming an adult.

Becky and I have made friends with our eccentric neighbor (We used to think we were eccentric but after recently watching Real Genius and meeting Steve,...we can't say we're eccentric anymore). This one friday night I was putzing around online when there was a knock at my door..it was mr. neighbor Steve asking if Becky and I would mind cat sitting for him while he was away. Steve has to be in his 30's or 40's. ...but anyway, we were talking about things and I invited him in, offered him some coffee. We started talking about art and politics and an assortment of other things. It was weird for me to think that this adult really wanted to converse with me...I showed him my portfolio and a few of my pretenious art books..

At one point he left to used the bathrroom and check somethings at his place and I wasn't sure if he was coming back, so I started watching a movie...But he did come back and we watched Underworld together. all and all he had been there a good while before Becky got home. And the whole time at the back of my mind it was (is) weird to think that I am befriending adults ...as in meeting adults and have them be my equal...as oppose to being some form of authority figure. Later that night after Becky got home we all drank wine and conversed for awhile.

But I had that feeling again while I was sitting in his house reading one of his adult literary magazines and petting his cat. ..this feeling independent age...I dunno...maybe its that I'm being treated as an adult by adults.

The whole situation with the NZ guy is also falling into this catagory. He really wants to call me. ...I mean really want to call me. and I've had this adolesant approch to that situation for very long time. ....the continuious response of "no, not tonight", I'm not really sure why and now I'm starting to really understand how childish that is.....I mean...every reason I've had for not wanting him to call me can be tied to my feeling like a perpetual teenager. And now I really feel like yelling at myself "Ugh, just grow up already!".

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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