Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

I'm a special case.
December 22, 2003 10:46 a.m.

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Wow I've being thinking about alot of different things, none of which seem to make much sense to me, which is partly the reason for the lack of entries. Maybe I'll just compile the random thoughts and not make any attempt to control the direction they go or tie them up in any logical conclusion.

I could write about The Return of the King but it seems everyone is doing such, and mine would contain spoilers....so I think I'd rather keep discussing it with other dorks, because I am officially a dork now. I know way to much about the making of those films, and on the fact that I had to sit around explain TROTK to the group of people I saw it with because they hadn't read the book and wanted some of the details filled in.

I've been rather depressed and full of self pity lately.....rather lonely. Thinking about Jeff too much. ....not really sure why. I ended up crying about it last night, not something I had done in months. I guess I was thinking that seeing the movie would have been so much better with him.

I dunno...maybe it's because of my faith but (to be lame and quote Miracle on 34th street, "Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to".) And it guess it's that faith that gives me hope when I am so cynical and jaded enough that part of me thinks that it's futile. I know I'm being overly dramatic but it's times like these when I feel like I am always going to be alone. I get to thinking that I'm never going to curl up next to someone and fall asleep again. I mean....I know that saying never at 23 is a bit of a stretch, but looking back on my track record....and then looking at what guys I hang with, who I work with, where I live, all these things are seeming to point in a less than positive direction. I mean that hottie barista I've been meaning to talk to? I think he only works saturday afternoons and I haven't had a saturday afternoon free to go in there.

Oh but for some reason I have this disgustingly persistant hope that I will find someone. I know how Chad is always saying that if MP wasn't good enough for him than the girl who is must be so amazing. The thing is ...for me it's kinda of the opposite. Here I was dating the most gentlemanly individual I had ever met. If HE could be that big of a dick, then what does that say about the rest of the male population? It makes me really want to believe that all guys are assholes and that there aren't any real nice guys or gentlemen left. See this is the jaded and cynical part. I mean...maybe the situation made me less neive but now when I hang out with my male friends (well most of them...B somewhat excluded) I am fully aware that each one of those guys would fuck me given the opprotunity. They might be my friends...but the still have dicks. Now of course, that's all it would be, just sex. And I'm smart enough to realize that. That doesn't nessicarily make them dicks but I am starting to realize that I am proceived as sexual even to those I might not be thinking of as such. I've discussed this with B,..that I live in a society where every new guy I meet will automaticly assume I've slept with 3 guys. People are absolutely flabbergasted when they learn I'm a virgin. People often throw around the phrase "special case" when talking about me to others. For example. Mr. X and this new girl (the one I introduced him to) were talking and she was saying how much she admired me because she's pretty much me only a year or 2 younger and a tad bit more experienced. but she was saying how much she admired me and then he has the throw out the phrase "Well she's a special case" as if to say don't be upset if you're not like her. Do you know how bothersome it is to be a special case?

...and yet somewhere there is some bit of hope.

oh and when I get in my little depressive, suicidal type moods....I'll be lying there in bed at night wishing not to wake up the next morning and then I'll hear some sound in the house and then I'll pray to be kept safe. Isn't that fucked up?

And the thing is, I have everything, I've been blessed so much and I'm so scared that it's going to be taken from me.

And really, there's only one thing I've ever wanted, and yet I have everything else.

And yet I don't know if I would trade it. I don't think I would. I guess maybe there are just somethings that some people are supposed to have. I mean....no one can have everything right? what kind of a world would that be?

Oh and I might add that I think all this has made me think about the nz guy and unhealthly amount. I should not be living in that fantasy world. That's not healthy. Not only will I never meet him....but in the rare, insane and unlikely chance I do...he will never live up to my image of him and as much as I try to deceive myself of that....it's still true. And the longer I live in my head about it.....the worse it gets. I've actually considered letting him call me. Considering we've been in contact with one another for almost 3 years.....I'd hate to talk to him and spoil my image and lose my desire to converse with him.

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