Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

somber conversation at Denny's
January 20, 2002 4:00a.m.

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So B and I went to Denny's tonight. We didn't have a 'good' time in the grand, conventional, steriotypical, conditional, elemental, depiction of a 'good time'. and though, while it wasn't 'good', it was wonderful. The energy we have when we are together is quite interesting. When it's just us, we are somber together. He will be so quiet and distant, and I don't mind quiet, contray to popular opinion (and he knows this because he gets to see this side of me) I don't have to talk all the time, I'm a great listener. I can sit for hours with him and not say a word or very few words. I don't need to carry on small talk conversation with him just to fill space, but his being distant is another thing entirely and I called him on it tonight. I asked him if he was okay, and he tried to disguise it, and ask what I meant, and I told him that he seemed distant, to which he wanted me to explain how so,...and after being dumbfounded for a bit, I hit the nail right on the head. See, I'll see him just sitting there with just lists scrolling in front of his eyes. And he basicly said I was exactly right,...and I asked him if it was the same things (meaning the problems that I know he's having) or other things, And he said pretty much other,...and started telling me some things. He doesn't open up very often, and I'm really glad he was able to do so. ....We pretty much talk about alot of major things that have been bothering us that most people don't know, He was talking about going to church tomorrow night,...and I told him I would go with him. I have really slacked in the whole going to chruch thing. See...I didn't grow up in a family that went to church every Sunday,...so it's hard to break the pattern of not going,....but I was so good my freshman year. ...But...for some reason sophmore year I didn't hear much from the person I always went with, and that has carried over to this year. I mean, I really loved that chruch, but I really didn't know anyone there, and I know it shouldn't matter, but I would feel really uncomfortable going by myself. And I know no one who would go with me. ...i know I know,..I should witness and invite someone to go with me,...but....that does not work in my situation. The people I've been called to witness to I can't do it by inviting them to church,....or sitting around reading the Bible. No,..I have to do it though actions. ....Trying not to be judgemental (which I am) And trying to be loving and forgiving,....and with a few exceptions, I'm really trying to do my best.

Anyway....that was a really long Tangent. The point is that I can maybe count on one hand how many times I've been to church in the past two years. I know that's really sad,...but...getting back to my original point,...I was telling B, that the last few sundays my freshman year I was working on this big projects 24/7,...seriously 24/7 and was unable to go,...and from than on I really didn't here from my friend about going. ....It was also around this time that I developed my pathetic whatever over T. And, this is something I think and pray about, but I wonder is almost a replacement for God,...it's not intentional...but, the idea is there in the back of my mind. And I mean,...I've written this before,...but I've basicly been depressed for the past year and a half. I mean, I'm just down all the time. See, now adays it's like I have moments when I'm less down, but I'm not really ever happy, in fact thanks to my trustly little diary here (this is why have have this darn thing..) I can tell you the exact date of the last time I was really happy...well...it kinda lasted for maybe a week...but...that day would be September 20, 2001. ...Btw...be told me that no I didn't replace as he put it "Church with T____" he said if I had I would be stalking him,...which I'm not. But I dunno, it does kind of fit.

Anyway, I guess the point of this entry is to document B's and my somber conversation at Denny's. There was in fact a great deal more that I didn't even get into.

Okay,...so I'm think given the time I might just go to bed now instead of reading some of my book. Don't know, we'll see.

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Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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