Significant Other
March 01, 2005 5:32 a.m.

Why do I need to clone myself you ask? It's quite simple really, I want to read more books! I bought 2 new books today. But really, I don't need 2 new books. I mean...right now I'm consistently reading 3 books. meaning, when I'm in the mood to read I pick up one of those 3 books. But I have so many others I want to read! it's crazy.

Now I know I haven't been writing much lately, but admittedly much of what I have to write is being written to someone else in private forum.

Basically, I've started....seeing,...or dating,...or I really don't know what to call it really...someone from diaryland.

Isn't that odd? ..I think it's odd. I can't believe it's true.

First off, to know that he has read so much of my past. he knows all the crazy people I've dated, and how they've hurt me. He knows about the times I've felt weak and powerless. the times when I've cried till I could cry no more and questioned the concept of my existence.

He knows about the guy who kissed me and tossed me aside. He knows about the guy I thought I connected with that disappeared from my life. ...He knows about my intimate relationship with my best friend that some people like to think should be romantic. He knows my entire romantic history. He knows about the hot one night stand I had last summer and the hot phone sex I have with the guy on the other side of the world. ....

Now, admittedly I know nothing about dating,...but I've always heard that you're not supposed to talk or ask about ex's. but I know so much about his, and he knows all about mine. Is this a mistake or is this the way things should work?

I kinda like the honesty of it all....the idea of not having skeletons in the closet just waiting to come out. Really I can't think of any dirty little secret about myself that he doesn't know. He's aware of my bitchy side, my neurotic side...And yet he is still interested.

It is nice because with him I can be purely myself. ...I mean, he knows things about me that I've been so shy even to tell my closest friends! But he knows them. ...He knows all my insecurities. He knows the parts of me that I've been ashamed of and embarrassed of my whole life and he tells me they are gorgeous.

it's weird knowing that everything I type here he will read.

Really he's just too good to be true. I can't believe that I could be blessed with such a man.

And I fought for so long. He is like no one I've been interested in before.

First off. I always peruse. I see what I want and I chase it down. at least I try....attempt to be as aggressive as possible.

But he perused me.

He wanted me. he wanted me. I can't get over that. No one's ever wanted me before.

I feel so safe with him.

The first night he stayed in my bed,..I was beside someone who made me feel so safe, so secure, so wanted...so calm.....so calm. It was like the noise was turned off in my head and all that was left was warmth and breath. ...laying there in his arms, exhausted and submerged in orgasmic bliss. I just let go. I let go and relaxed. There wasn't excitement or anticipation, or nerves. just beautiful calm. ....and though I was exhausted and weak, he brought the waves over me again and again.

It's weird, I've wanted so long just to be able to say,.."my boyfriend" this and "my boyfriend" that. those sort of boasting statements about having a significant other. ...simply because I never could and always wanted one.

And lately I didn't know if he and I were at a place to label one another as such,....and especially since the Jeff thing I've quit jumping to conclusions. ...But have his referencing me repeatedly as his girlfriend...mmmmm I guess that makes him my boyfriend.

wow...such an odd concept. I've never had a boyfriend before.

and truly, boyfriend doesn't seem to be the correct term. it seems like such a weak fluffy word to describe someone who makes me feel like he does.

after using the term above, I think I do like Significant Other. ...yeah I know, I'm sure I'll get mocked for using that just as I'm mocked for calling Becky my Flat mate.

but the truth is....how do we learn the world around us? First we learn Self. The concept that there is a Self and it is me. And it exists. Then outside of that, there is a Other. (Dear Lord have I been watching I *heart* Huckabees too much for my own good?) and there are a number of others. But every once and awhile....there are Significant Others. ....Significant, Others.

Friends, boyfriends, people who differentiate themselves as special. And these aren't all friends....these are the friends that you know right away are there to change your life.

I love how I connect with him. I love that in a moment of awkward silence..... no background noise, no movie filling the space, too early for bed....all my defenses gone,...me a little nervous...not knowing what to do next....he fills the space with connection. Then took the moment, trapped me in his eyes,..and filled the room with warmth! It was like there was us....and then the rest of the room. We were connected, surrounded by this powerful pure energy. Again. I was calm. I was there in the moment. my head wasn't filled with 10 thought trains going on simultaneously. I was there, and I felt. He made me feel!

It was so pure so amazing.