Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Vulnerablity
May 31, 2003 6:05 p.m.

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I've been thinking alot about vulnerability and I think I have a deep seeded fear of it. ..So much so that many of my friendships seem to exist because of the lack of vulnerability. for example my friendship with Marty, he's loud mouthed and opinionated and fun, but he's not deep, and nothing about him makes me vulnerable.

C and I both have a fear of vulnerability so together we enjoy the fact that we can have fun with one another and we don't have to make ourselves vulnerable.

I also have a distant relationships with my parents I think for the same reason.

There are only 2 people I think that I have allowed myself to be vulnerable about. My friend Becky and B. ...and it took them years to earn that kind of trust, not something that happened immediately.

But with Jeff (the Christian guy) he makes me vulnerable with one glance and it's a weird feeling. I mean I am so practiced in being guarded I don't know how to react with I have no defenses. I have come up with some wonderful analogies.

It's like I'm a house. Big an protected. I have a fenced in yard that I let people come and use, swings slides lots of fun. Sometimes people get to sit on the porch. Very few people are allowed inside and those people I have never directly opened the door for, they just discover that one day the door is unlocked and let themselves in and find me sitting on the couch watching a movie or something and join me. This would be B and Becky and possibly Libby.

But with Jeff, my door is still locked but he is standing on the stoop knocking. ...Actually knocking at my door, something no one has ever done before. And he's just standing there waiting patiently. ...I peek out though the window occasionally and have even opened the door a few times and looked at him face to face with nothing else between us. But in fear I ended up shutting the door again and after I do it I think to myself that tomorrow is the day I'll invite him in.

We were driving listening to music last night and on one particularly quiet stretch I apologies for my acting like I'm 13. I don't know if he understood what I meant but he responded by asking me why I would apologize for such a thing and that sometimes it's better and much more fun to act 13 that 22. I'm not sure we were talking about that same thing. Part of what I meant is that I know I avoid eye contact with him.....because I me his gaze freaking looks right though me....I mean that's instant vulnerability! and I don't know how to react to it......I really don't know...so I usually look away quickly or don't look in his direction at all. ...And I know that's fucked up! I know! all I can do is take it one step at a time. it's weird to be around someone who actually wants to touch me, wants to hold my hand, and I'm so scared that it is really hard for me to take the innicative and touch him.....I mean because everything with him seems so pure, nothing is cliché. I'll held hands with someone before but it was very cliché, very safe and I was very comfortable with it. with him, holding his hand seems like more than that, I feel like when he's holding my hand the way he does, lightly touching my fingers and feeling the smoothness of my nail polish it's almost like he's telling me I'm beautiful. When he covers my hand with his....when he makes it his silent mission to warm up my freezing hand, it's like he's silently saying he wants to protect and take care of me.

And I don't know how to respond to any of it. I'm so shy, so scared. so vulnerable.

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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