A long entry about sex and virginity, how I'm dealing/coping with both
August 29, 2003 4:00 a.m.

(she didn't tell me this part, but I already knew)A couple of weeks ago she got drunk and lost her virginity to this guy (she's 22). and apparently she had sex with this other guy some where in-between then and now.

That's not the problem ....I hold no judgments.

The problem is that she told me she is worried it is going to become a habit because she's been having sex with these guys to make herself feel more attractive.

The thing is, she's GORGOUS! I mean, she's honest to goodness model potential! I know lots of people say that, but with her it's really true. She has the looks that every girl wants. (with the exception of height) ...she has the stereotypically perfect figure. ....Amazing hair, great skin. ........And she's having sex with guys to make herself feel attractive?

I told her that if she needs a guy to make her feel attractive than the must not have any mirrors in that place. ....Her response? that she doesn't trust mirrors and doesn't see the same things in them as everyone else.

Epiphany moment. wow B was right!

Part of what's getting me about the whole Jeff situation is.....wow this is gonna seem like a gigantic leap ...but....I've been pondering my virginity a great deal. See in the past 2 weeks I find out that some of my closest friends aren't virgins.

B told me a bit ago that he actually lost his in high school....which wouldn't be an issue if he hadn't been telling me for the past 4 years that his virginity was a gift for his wife. And then C has been itchin' to pop her cherry for some time and just gets drunk one night and does it. I'm kinda feeling like the last virgin standing. ...The only person who hasn't done it...doesn't know what it's like.

And then I go 22 years without kissing someone (not that I was turning people down...it's just I was never in, or put myself in, a situation where it was an issue....until recently) and the guy I kiss, who I thought so highly of, thought was so gentlemanly and honorable and ...just wonderful... .....opts to just not call me ever again. ....so (if you can follow the logic) (ugh I just had a flash back to my horrible logic class) ....So if someone I thought was honorable and gentlemanly turns out to be a dishonorable asshole.......it makes me wonder if all guys are dishonorable assholes when it comes to relationships (yes I can catch the fallacy in my own argument...in fact this was the same conversation I had with B the other night.) I mean...what's the difference between that and the frat boy who just wants a warm hole for a night? I mean....atleast when the frat boy doesn't call it's expected. No one expects a good, moral, respectful Catholic guy to not call them back.

I dunno....I guess what it is I'm rambling about is that I thought I gave (and actually he just sort of took it) my first kiss to someone who understood the significance, someone who appreciated the significance, and I feel that his brushing me off in this way....means He didn't understand the significance. He didn't appreciate the significance. ....He didn't appreciate me and I thought he did. I thought he deserved me. But now I'm starting to have second thoughts.

And the funny thing is that Marty and I have been engaging in a a strange flirtation lately, I mean we always have because I swear Marty is the horniest guy one earth and it's amusing to me to flirt w/him because I would never do anything sexual with him because I'm not attractived to him, and he knows this. (plus because he's so open about his sexuality I feel okay with being open about mine, I mean hell he's the one who bought me my vibrator as a christmas present ..and has been talking about buying me another...but...We've been having this sort of flirtation where we're arguing and it's almost like a foreplay argument:

Him: You couldn't handle me.

Me: You don’t deserve me.

Him: You couldn't handle me.

Me. you don't deserve me.

Him: the fact that I don't deserve you is irrelevant, you couldn't handle me if I did.

So it's almost like a challenge....and hell if the person I thought deserved me didn't....then who is worthy of me? and really what has this whole self respect thing gotten me. I've been preaching forget regret for the past 4 years and saying I have no regrets...but I've been beginning to wonder.

Ugh

So yeah....I've been thinking about my virginity.

It seems that everyone that I know that has done it (or almost everyone) regrets it or is doing it for the wrong reasons. I mean Libby wishes she could rewrite her whole past. Wishes she wasn't as sexually experienced...and now C is having sex to make her feel more attractive?

this is the epiphanial moment I was referencing earlier. It is good to be me. I really shouldn't regret not being more sexually experienced. ....I just need to keep reminding myself of that fact.