Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

words of advice from one who knows.
October 24, 2003 11:20 p.m.

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So that aim conversation left me confused and conflicted. ...so tonight when this girl I knew from high school, that used date one of Jeff's friends, I im'ed her and told her the situation and asked her advice because I figured she'd understand.

mysstayken: There's actually something I wanted to talk to you about because I figured you'd be someone who'd actually understand...but I'm not quite sure how to bring it up.
cat: oh, talk away
cat: =D
mysstayken: do you know/remember Jeff M*****? cat: yup
mysstayken: um....when was the last time you talked to him?
cat: gee, really talked or just said hi?
mysstayken: um.....either one I guess.
cat: it was a few weeks ago since i even said hi
mysstayken: interesting....well.....I don't know if you know this or not but he and I dated for a bit last summer.
cat: =) i wasn't aware
mysstayken: yeah.....he was my first kiss.
cat: aw
cat: so whats going on now?
mysstayken: yeah.....then a few weeks later he forgot out to use a phone.
cat: i'm sorry babe
mysstayken: that was yeah.....so that was about 4 months ago ....and then the other night he im'ed me to appologize.
cat: i see
cat: what did you say?
mysstayken: Well....he told me that he was sorry and that he was afraid of the commitment and wanted to avoid confrontation . and I replied that I noticed.
mysstayken: then he said that he acted immaturely and like an asshole and I replied that I agreed with t hat.
cat: haha good
cat: but then what?
mysstayken: I told him that I appricated the appology and that what he did seemed out charactor and he said that he had always been bad with confrontation and acted 'improperly'. mysstayken: and the shortly after he signed off.
cat: what kind of "confrontation" is he talking about?
mysstayken: I'm assume he meant the fact the he didn't want to tell me that he didn't want to see me any more.
mysstayken: I dunno boys are confusing.
cat: ooh
mysstayken: I just figured you'd understand because 1. I figured you'd know him, and 2. know what it's like to be taken for granted by someone who should know better.
cat: okay. this is my advice to you, because you're right about those two things. although I don't know jeff very well, i do know that he has a history of something similar to this. he used to try to meet girls online and then meet them in person and it was
cat: er.
cat: sorry
cat: let me contine
mysstayken: wow
mysstayken: well...I did meet him at a party...
cat: there were a few times in my memory of him thinking he was really falling for someone and then backing off. he is very dependant and at the same time, very fickle. comes on strong, backs off quick. i don't know jeff well enough to go into details, but i think he is a pretty confused guy. he has problems with guilt and self-assuredness. the other thing is, there are a group of guys that i try not to associate with anymore for my own sanity. i'm sure you can guess one of them. the other two are aric and jeff.
cat: and i'm sorry if what i have to say is disappointing. i'd hate to see you hurt, you're way too cool and sweet to be messed around with.
mysstayken: awww....you rule.
mysstayken: though I appricate you telling me that...that's really good to know.
mysstayken: oh and one evening I brought up the fact that I felt bad for acting 13 because I mean he is the only person I've ever really dated. he's the only person that I've held hands with that I actually liked....so I told him that was such a new thing for me. ....and he told me he had dated girls who wanted to have sex with him on a first date....and that he liked going at the slow pace because it felt natural ..........and I think we had been dating for about a month before he kissed me.
cat: wow
cat: and then, nothing?
mysstayken: eh....pretty much yeah.
mysstayken: maybe 2 weeks later.
cat: i'm sorry babe. god, that really pisses me off!
mysstayken: does it?
cat: well, what happened to you. yeah
mysstayken: yeah....so it's not wrong of me to be confused about the Jeff situation? I mean I know who I'm suppose to behave and what I should do and what I shouldn't do.....but I do feel myself growing weak. I mean...I had gone that whole stretch of time with out inquiring about him and then poof he shows up.
cat: i understand how you feel right now, and that is why i'd suggest not letting him play with your heart anymore.
cat: because, it is my belief at least, he is very likely to.

October 22, 2003 1:49 a.m.

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Jeff: hello miss
Raven: Um, hi.
Jeff: how have you been?
Raven: Pretty well. Workin'
Jeff: where are you living now?
mysstayken: with the parents right now, saving money...and if all goes well I might be on my way to moving out.
Jeff: cool
Raven: yeah
Jeff: i want to apologize for the way i cut things off, i got scared with the commitment, and didn't want to cause any confrontation
raven: so I noticed.
Jeff: right
Jeff: but i am sorry
Jeff: i acted immaturely, and like an asshole
Raven: yeah......I think I would kind of agree with those things. But I'm glad that you applogized.
Jeff: good
Raven: yeah, you caught me right out of left field. it really seemed out of charactor.
Jeff: well, i've never been well with confrontation, and i just acted improperly
raven: I appricate your telling me that.
Jeff: well, time for bed, good luck with everything
Jeff signed off at 1:41:34 AM.

What the Hell kind of way to end a conversation was that!!!! God Damnit. Does that mean the ball is in my court now? Does that mean, "You made me feel worse about myself". "You obviously hate me forever" "Okay just wanted to clear things up so I have a clear concience when it comes to you...but I still don't want to talk to you" I'm still just as confused.

evil boy
October 22, 2003 1:24 a.m.

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FUCK ME HARD!

He just messaged me.

Me the Rubix Cube
October 22, 2003 1:05 a.m.

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I've been tossing and turning for the past hour unable to sleep. Fuckin' panic attacks. Thought it might help to type everything in my head right now.

Right now I feel like a fuckin' rubix cube. All the pieces in my life need to be shifted and twisted and turned in such a way that they match up ...and right now if feels like God is on a roll matching his colors. .....and I feel dizzy and confused as a result and I don't know which end is up.

So much going on....If I do get hired full time that means apartment with Becky where I actually start to attempt to become a living breathing adult. I mean....MY apartment. ....MY rent. ....MY Phone bills, and food bills, and car bills And clothes and just everything it doesn't seem to complicated but I am just so frightened that I'm going to screw myself over.

Then there's the whole art career thing. How do I do it? one foot in front of the other, one step after the next.

And the boy....ah the boy. You know what? I could see Jeff's screenname right now if I wanted to look at my buddylist. Yep that's right I get called from my bed and the bastard is there....right there and I could message him. But I won't. I will maintain restraint. I have amazing willpower, sometimes I surprise myself. ...I just confused why he has been showing up in my life again the past week. From dreams to friends to email to finally seeing his name online. fucking bastard. Ugh part of me what's to think these are signs the I need to contact him. Then again, maybe they are signs to tell him he needs to contact me....and at the same time a willpower test for me to keep from contacting him. I dunno....what can I say....I'm confused. So when I finish typing this I think I'll ....maybe check his profile....then turn off my computer and attempt to get some sleep, especially with work tomorrow.

OH and another thing, I'm looking into becoming a member of Curves, the gym for woman. There are 3 people in my office that are members and I get a discount on the interductary fee because of that. I go to get poked and proded enough to my me so depressed that I join. ...but I'm looking forward to working out there. the people in my office seem to love it and have lost so much weight! I'm not really looking to become Britney Spears...but I have put on some weight since I've been living at home and I would really like to look like a fitter, trimer, sexier version of myself. I don't like that if I wear a shirt that shows a bit of mid drift...the fact that my pants fit low.....one can see the bottom hang of a fat roll. and I think that is grotesque! I don't like that my clothes don't fit like they used to and I'm gonna put an end to that.

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