the propaganda of romantic film
November 10, 2004 3:46 a.m.

In the past few days I watched The Piano, Enternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Before Sunset.

All of which are so lovely.

I bought Before Sunset today for an ungodly price...but I just love this film.

Strangely enough I've been in player mode lately. Flirting with a number of guys at work...joking with Becky that I should ask out the guy who works the wendy's drive thru.

I think this is rooted in the fact that I haven't been serious with anyone, but I'm not looking for anything serious. I'm not even looking for sex. It would be really nice to have someone to get dressed up for and go out to a bar and have a drink with, watch a little bar band....maybe go to a book store and wander around with, Ya know? I do this all the time with becky. Well go to a book store...wander around seperately and the we'll find one another after awhile, one of us entralled with some book. I'd love to be in a book store with a this cute boy I'm dating. ...go off exploring and then find in by a corner shelf somewhere, his nose in a book, watching him be intranced by the words...standing there forming ideas.

I want someone that I cuddle on the couch and watch a movie with, or curl and fall asleep with. mmmmm I'm such a hopless romantic...wanting all those "normal" romantic moments that only exist in cute little romantic movies that make you believe in love.

I guess I'm just fantasizing about romantic notion of finding beauty in simple details of intimancy. But hey, isn't that me? isn't that what I always do? I'm sure it's related to the fact that I've never had...the idea of living a beauiful little moment with someone, not worrying about the future...not reflecting on the past, but being in the moment and being happy. And I know...I know...I can have that on my own. I can...I have. ...and I have had nice little intimate moments, and I love those. ...I remember the entry I wrote about Jeff and how I loved holding his hand...and how beautiful that made me feel. ..because he had this way of holding my hand...the way he caressed it...the way his thumb would move over my thumb nail. it made me feel beautiful. I wrote that it felt like he was making it his mission to warm up my cold hand....like he wanted to take care of me. but apparently that only last a month,...but whatever, it's still a nice memory.

but....I dunno maybe I'm spoiled by being single...but I'm not looking for this wonderful compromising thing. My friend Carrie has been dating someone since the summer...and he's generally a good guy, and she's had alot of bad experiences with men...and this guy is good for her, wants to take care of her, fulfills her needs. ..But, I think he's rather possessive. Like he doesn't like that when she hangs out with me we'll be out for hours...and she'll go to bed really late. I rarely get to see her lately, maybe once every 2 weeks or so, and the other night I was at her place having this fantastic conversation with her and her housemate...and yeah it did get to freakishly early in the morning,...and yeah, she did have to work at 1pm. But he came down and told her that she should be getting to be soon. ...And he's done that kind of thing before...he'll text message her when she's hanging out with me and ask her when she's coming home to bed....he gets angry that she'll hang out with me till 4 in the morning. ....and I mean...if I was dating a guy and he tried to tell me when to go to bed, I'd say "fuck you, you're not my father". but....in defence...I'd hope that the guy I was dating would know that I'm a freakish night owl and would rather stay up late having a good time and be tired the next day then get a full 8 hours sleep.

for example the NZ guy came on at like 5 am and we chatted for about an hour...and then after that it was another hour before I went to bed...and I think I got about 6 hours sleep and didn't want to get out of bed the next morning (heh..or rather around 12:30 when my alarm went off). But I got up and I had some coffee...and was entirely fine. ...and I wouldn't have gone to bed any ealier for the world.

I really don't know what I want.

And what always gets me is when I hear about guys being in love...I can't help but be skeptical. OH I know it happens...don't think I think it doesn't. ...my point is that having not been on the receiving end of that...it's such a forein concept...I was talking on the phone with B tonight and he was telling me about this person he's dating....and it was so sweet and cute...or I'll read male diaries (Half-devoured, Chad, Chad and the late great Coffeeadikt (that still hosts my images) have had crushes that every entry they write references. even Mr. Hedgehoggy seems to be a hopeless romantic.) and the will tell of their longing for that girl that just isn't there...and I can identify with those notions, but I've know so many players that it is hard from me to wrap my cyncial brain around the fact that they do feel the same way do. That he right girl is eluding them as the "right" guy is eluding me. And the thing is....I don't think I'm being to picky. I just think I'm in the wrong part of the country. Clearly, I live in a fucking Red state...of course I can't find a guy for me.

And T has been showing his presance again. not in reality...but just...well I've been dreaming about him,...or I'll be talking to someone and they will go off on something and it will have been the exact thing I've heard him rant about. And gosh...he was just so perfect,.....and I was considering pooling my resources and trying to track down a number to call him,...but I'm starting to think the window has past. And thanks to my lovely online diary I know the exact date of the last day I spoke to him And that was Oct. 4, 2001. heh. it's been 3 years and I think of him. guess it was because it was my complete ideal and will forever be that...he's not the same person now...and I'm not either...and I guess the hope is that we'd talk again and somehow pick up from where I thought we were...but clearly that wasn't anywhere since it was no big thing for him to cut me from his life.

And that's the thing, I could look at this as I'm always attracted to guys who run away, or I can be cynical and say that all guys run away from me. Because they do...they always have. if I like a guy, he runs from me. ...atleast in grade school the did it literally, they ran saying ewww gross. Now I get the ones that kiss me and tell me I'm beautiful even when my hair's a mess and sneak out the back door.

heh, am I being contradictory? saying that I'm not looking for some big commitment, but at the same time not wanting a guy to run away?

I just want to know what it's like to date someone. Not looking for a life partner. not wanting to make future plans with someone. just simple intimacy.

My guess is that I'm the kind of girl that guys want to take home to mom. I'm the type of girl they want to end up with,...not the girl the want right now. ...and because I'm so inexperience they think I'm holding out for "THE ONE". ...but I'm not.