Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Rebirth
January 03, 2005 4:00 a.m.

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So don't hate me for the entry I'm about to do. ...Right now my 2005 is starting off really nicely....but something inside wants me to write about my weird new years feelings.

For the most part I had an absolutely FANTASTIC New Year's. With no creapy Jeff re-emergance to confuse the hell out of me, I was in fine form to get insanely drunk and shamelessly flirt with a number of people...which I did. I become such an evil little exibitionist when I drink. (remember that spanking contest I judged a good while back?)

The evening was so great until the champange kicked in. Champange is so great, so wonderful...that it drinks like water and I just drink way to much of it way to fast...so when it hits me....it's bad. At some point I realized that I needed to throw up. (Now realize with the exception of a few glasses of wine, or the occasional Spiked Jones' Natural or 2 beers and beertrek,...I don't drink that much. or that often so it had been a very long time since I drank that much, combine with the fact that since I can't really eat at work, my stomach has shrank,....so my tolerance is way down).

quite often when I'm that drunk that I throw up...I often want to do nothing be lay right there by the toliet, and not move or get up, just lay there,...before when this has happened people just leave me alone, but on new years everyone was concerned, and to be honestly, I think that's the worst I've ever been, but people kept looking out for me,...becky and beef were in the bathroom with me as I was fading in and out, Dan our ER nurse to is used to dealing with that kinda of thing kept an eye out for me,...and I heard people in the back ground asking about me and how I was doing. eventually those 2 big guys had to pick me up and carry me to the couch. I remember a bit of being picked up. apparently they took my boots off, and I remember just a bit of that, but over all...I don't remember all of what happend once I started laying on the floor.

And the horrible thing is that as I was laying there, barely consience, hearing all my friends doing their best to keep me awake, and give me water and help me.....I just kept thinking that I wished they would stop. I kept thinking how I wished that maybe I could just close my eyes and not wake up. that this life could be over and I could move on to one where I could be happy for a change. I mean,...really...not the most horrible way to go...and the night had been so great,...kinda like quiting while your ahead. No more wasted education or wasted life. no more feeling like I made the wrong choices in life and got stuck here.

But I have to say that when I awoke the next morning I was glad that I had. And as I enjoyed lunch with friends I was glad to still be among them.

Maybe I did die, Maybe it's kinda like what happens in Somethings Gotta Give (that Angelina movie where she has the blond hair that only a handful of us saw) ..the idea of dying...and coming back to life, rebirth from the ashes,...maybe I'm reborn. maybe in this life I will find happiness. Maybe this year will be better than the last, ...and considering that the last few have been shit. ...I'm really hoping this year is better. ...already there is someone who is makes me smile and feel good about myself. I only hope this is something that continues to get better.

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