Being Attention starved can drive a person ot many things, including insanity.
January 22, 2002 12:08 p.m.

1. my, whatever-you-want-to-call-it relationship with the online guy got specially worse last night. Ugh. See, we've always done this,...I dunno how to decribe it,...kind of roll playing thing, where I get to be someone girlfriend, and vice versa. The thing is,...it seemed like a mutual, unspoken agreement, that this was not suppose to become personal. It was a way, atleast for me,...and I'm sure the same for him in the beginning, to have a temperary emotional fix. .....You have a bad day there's someone to give you a hug and tell you ever thing will be better tomorrow. a relationship without the worry of a 'where's the relationship going' type thing, because it's not suppose to go anywhere,...just stay the way it is,.....and not become to personal. ...no real emotional attachment. Yet, he has become pretty emotional attached to me, and I'm positive he had not intention of this happening,it just did. But...he imformed me of this,...and suddenly I become aware of this emotional attachment, And become emotionaly attached myself to the fact that there is someone who is emotionally attached to me, and it is in someways my fault, and also the fact that other than feeling bad about hurting some poor innocent individual that I'm not romanticly attached to. I mean,...I do have a connection with him,...but...ya know maybe I have a fear of commitment,...but I have my little crushed on people who are actually here,...My Hot Topic Boy, whom I saw to night, so is darn cute, and he had newly dyed hair, which looked really, REALLY good one him...mmmm> ...Then there's always T. and it's like...Ugh...It's like how do I know that I can't get what he's giving me from them? I don't know! and the thing is,...I know that The Hot Topic Boy,..or The T Boy,...or a few other possiblities have the qualities I'm looking for in someone,...and I don't really know much about this guy, He likes Creed (ugh) and he's a Fratboy, but he's a nice fratboy. The thing is we don't chat about substanial personal things....that's not what I wanted out of that specific relationship. and yet now I have in the balance My desires for these other people and yet not wanting to crush him too bad.....And at the same time not wanting to give up what I have with him. In short, I want my cake and to eat it to. ...As I've said before, I'm an egotisical, selfish, self centered individual....I'd say bitch not indvidual....but....I don't think a bitch would care about hurting this person as much as I do. I mean...I don't want to hurt him. I just wish the situation could say the way it was. .....I mean...I just had a losey day, ...I was unable to get the new NIN dvd...I'm so pissed! and ....other things went wrong too, ...noramlly I could talk with him and feel better,...and I want to, I want that reasurance that "tomorrow will be better"....and that doesn't really work from a friend,...I mean B could tell me that, but that's not the same. and then things,.....and now I can't got to the person I get that from for fear of hurting him. Ugh. maybe I need to step up my persuit of the Hot Topic Boy. I mean he did look darn good tonight, and a sorta friend of mine is friends with him,...maybe I could directly ask this friend of mine if the HTB has a crush one me (which I think he does) and if my sorta friend says yes...I could give him my number and have him ask the HTB why he hasn't called me,...and tell him to do so......or something like that, because I only see him when I go in the freaking store! I don't see him on campus anywhere even though I know he goes here. Mainly because I'm always in the art studios. Ugh. ....Yeah, I tried to talk to him tonight, and he was kinda of busy, so I left, and when I did come back, he was gone. GRRRRRRRRR

And you know what, I could pass the buck of this situation even further. ........................................................................If the Freaking T Boy would've just asked me out like he was supposed to, I wouldn't be in this mess at all. Grrrrr. .....but almost a catch 22, if I would just give up hope on the darn T Boy,...then I wouldn't have as much trouble persuing others.

To Quote Aida "all I have to do, is forget how much I love him, all I have to do is put my longing to one side. Tell myself that love's an ever changing situation, the passion would have cooled and all the magic would have died. It's easy, It's easy.

All I have to do is pretend I never knew him, on those very rare occasions when he steals into my heart. Better to have lost him while the ties were barely binding. Better the contempt of the familar cannot scald. It's easy. It's easy. Until I think about him, as he was when I last touched him, or how he could have been, wanna be with him today, Those very rare ocasisons that don't that don't give up that keep on coming, all I've ever wanted, and I'm throwing it away...... "

~sigh~ ...and I think on that note I will attempt to go paint and draw now. Ugh,....but I've lost my skill. I suck know. Maybe it's because my personal life is in such an up heaval that I can't clear my head. Ugh.

....the guy and I are both in the wrong. he made something that wasn't personal, personal. and me being loving and caring,...and sensitive that I am have alowed it to become personal for me as well. Ugh, I should have stopped the situation before I got to this......the problem is that it's only a recent developement! I didn't know it was happening! ....I mean I was conviced he was using me too, so I twas okay.