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| nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME --Wurdz by Otep Shamaya |
 to pounce or not to pounceJune 10, 2004 1:45 p.m. Related Reading Okay I'm lame. I was listening to alittle Steve with Carrie ..and we came upon the lyric, Her reaction to that line was that it was harsh and mean...not in a bad way but. I told her that I know exactly what that line means. I know exactly where it comes from and I really feel that way alot. A year ago was the happiest time in my life. This was brought on by one new addition in my life.....Jeff. And I know I know I should be over this, I shouldn't care...blah blah blah. (Mr. Justin asked me how much it was still effecting me..and my response was "More than it should") The truth is that I every negative stimulus I have of him is not a direct stimulus. I saw with my eyes that he was a great guy, and felt him, and I heard the things he said...so everything that I physically associate with him is good. I can't help but believe that he is good and that he isn't an asshole...and he's not this horrible person...and that maybe with time he'll grow up and all the hurt he caused me is just a mistake and not really him. And I can't help but think that we did have a connection and if we were to find ourselves talking or hanging out....we'd find that still there and that everything else is just bullshit. And it's because of that I think about calling him maybe every other day. one day I'll be like wow...I feel like calling him and just casually asking if he wants to hang out.....and then 2 hours later I get annoyed with myself for even having the thought. and the truth is.....I don't miss him, I just miss yesterday. I was happy a year ago and I want to be happy again, and I know a year ago he made me happy but the truth is...I know I can't have that back. I know that what was then was then and there's no way that I can have it again....but I can't help but want it. I was watching Dangerous Liasons yesterday and it truly made me want to pounce on someone. call me bad but I have been considering call him up and hooking up with him just for a physical thing. and I realized the other day ..a couple of things. First off, if I hooked up with him...and we did somethings, I would expect him to call. I can't help it. I would want him to call...can't be cold and disassociative....and given his history...I know he wouldn't...and it would hurt. And the second thing was that if I hooked up with him for just a physical thing...I think it would be all about me. ....the other person I hooked with told me that there are times when you hook up with someone and it's all about them....they are there to enjoy themselves and offer nothing in return. And the horrible truth is if I were to call up Jeff to come over and make out....I don't think I would be very receprical....simply because he is an asshole and I don't want to give anything to him ever. all I want is to take from him. And I'm sure the feeling is mutual. |
Otep   |
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