post show depression
April 13, 2003 4:09 a.m.

yes that's right, I'm feeling sad and lonely....wanting to have someone to cuddle with and watch a movie.

I dunno I'm just tired of my days ending leaving me feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied.

I just feel that every day I give so much of my self, whether it be to friends or in my art, especially with my friends and my art. ...And I receive so little in return. That's not true, I receive alot, but ....I'm searching for that unconditional love, that unconditional love I give my friends and my art, a love that's not measured in favors, or compliments, or monitary success,

I ache for a relationship that creates no fear. B and C are both so guarded they are so impossible to read and give so little of themselves....I mean I get so much of them...more than most people (I have to keep reassuring myself of that) ...but everyday I fear I will lose them, that I'm not as importent to them as they are to me.

My art I'm constantly afraid of failure, the whole putting my eggs in one basket thing, grant I keep selling, and I have shows lined up...but that's right now...my focus on the future does often go past the week I'm living. ..As of Augest I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.

I want someone to hold my hand and I don't have to be in constant fear of their leaving, or doubting their sincarity.

Yeah, I was so lonely tonight than when I noticed that the Internet boy logged on I decided to switch screen names and considered messaging him, but he messaged me first, immedately. We spoke briefly and then without a word signed off. do you know how lame it was to be feeling lonely and be rejected by the person I was going to use (yes use, but he messaged me and left before any such thing could occur) to make me feel wanted. ...yeah and I've been waiting around for him to come back, that or for the new zealand guy to sign on. But I need to face facts. I'm alone, and I'm going to be alone for the rest of the night, and tomorrow and a long time to come.

Oh and it's so insulting that I haven't heard from the Wabash boy, I mean I had no desire to really be in contact with him after the way he acted,...but I should be the one ignoring him, I should have atleast head something from him.

eh I just need to finish my margarita and go to bed. Gotta love post show depression, I guess it's fairly common. I know actors that it happens to. Maybe I'll call my friend Danielle tomorrow and see if she wants to watch Gia. we were supposed to do it a while back but I forgot, and I think she did to. ..I think I'll bring up this subject...the subject of post show depression.

Oh and in true psychic fashion, B brings up the idea of letting doomed relationships end right when I really want to get in contact with T. Granted he will always make examples of himself and how he does this and then someone I know who doesn't, but I know he's talking to me, telling me not to force contact with T,...do not look for him in anyway.