Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

why Harry Potter is a Breeze for me.
May 23, 2002 1:34 a.m.

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So I've been reading the Harry Potter books lately. Not bad, not bad at all. I read them quite fast, which is interesting because it usually takes me forever to read a book, 1. because I usually don't have the time, and 2, they are rather dense. But yeah,...I read roughly a hundred pages of the 4th book tonight without batting an eye.

And I got to thinking a bit ago after I finished the third book in a day, that it's interesting to read a book where (granted there are villians But) there daily fear is their Potions Professor, who in the movie was Alan Rickman,..who I think looks like Trent Rezor (Want Proof?)...so I can't be scared of him.

I mean, seriously, I start thinking about it what have I read? Let's start with:

The Divinity Student Lots of blood and gore and violence. Hell, Waldon books refused to carry it, or even order it.

Fight Club no explantion needed.

Filth Every other word is 'cunt' or 'fuck' ...A dirty pig of a cop (love metaphors) who likes sex, alot. What else, talking tapeworms and suicide! yea!

Trainspotting Same author as Filth. same type of language, but this time about herion addicts! And Violence....and Aids!

The Divine comedy Blood! Gore! Souls writhing in agony! And I painted them all!

The house of sand and fog A modern literary tragedy about sex, alchol addiction, violence, suicide, domestic abuse, infedlity, sex addiction, stupidity.....and a fight over a small house in California.

House of leaves Okay,...it's the story of a guy, who finds a book written by a creepy old guy, in which the old guy is analizing this weird film, which is actually a documentary of a famous photographer who moves his family to a house in the middle of no where, which somehow developes an odd hallway which makes the house 1 in larger on the inside then on the out. This alway grows and grows until it has because a gigantic sublayer of the house which is always growing, always srinking, always moving and shifting. The place is pitch black and growls...and people are sent to investigate it. These invesigatings play havic with everyone one involve, especially between the husband and wife. as well as all the experts they being in. .....The reassembling of this book, written by the old man, drives the young man who found all the fragments insane...and he tells of his life amongst the other tales.

Now I'm sure you see why Harry Potter is a Breeze for me.

Panic attacks...yea!
May 23, 2002 12:40 a.m.

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So I had another panic attack the other day, not near as bad as the last one...okay make the one before it (yes I had another while I was at home) but neither of them were as bad as the panic/anxiety attack I had in April...the one that last 2 days and I need a week to recover from.

Nope, this one happened when I got back from my job interview which I was/am convinced that I bombed. I dunno, it was only the second job interview I've had in my life, and I don't know if I answer the questions 'properly' and I was a bit shy for some reason, and I don't know if I 'sold' myself very well,...and the think is if I don't get this job I don't really know where I am going to get one and......Ugh, there you have it.

But anyway, I got back, laid down on the couch and somehow managed to take a nap as a mean to relax myself.

but the thing is that puts my panic attack account as.... Dec. 1, Feb. 1, April 1, May 2.

Now thinking about that... A. I hadn't had one EVER (that I know of) before dec. B. They were happening 1 every other month, now I've had 2 in the same month!

Question: is that stress, depression? What? am I going insane? Do I need stress management, or a shrink, or maybe just to be locked away in a mental ward to never be heard from again? I dunno! errrr

I was going to talk to B about it today, but the opprotunity never presented itself. I'll see him tomorrow, maybe I'll make mention of it then. Till then maybe I should stop working about it before THAT sends me into a panic.

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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