The many layers of Onions.
November 30, 2004 7:42 a.m.

Around 2am I had the idea that we needed to put up our tree. ("If you don't like you're ideas, then stop having them.") Yes, it's artificial . We are cheap, and really just don't want to deal with the mess.

So with Kill Bill 2 in the background we started putting the tree together. And then came the lights, and as we stood there discussing how we really should buy garland this year, I realized that we didn't have enough hooks for the new ornaments I bought,....So this meant a trip to Wal-Mart. (I saw Frailty AND the Rules of attraction the 5.50 bin. Those are fantastic films! what is wrong with people! I thought about buying them again simply because.)

This is always the case with us, always always we head to Wal-Mart around 4am.

Oh, and dude....there were a lot of big men working ever so hard at stocking because Becky and I walked through this cloud of BO that was epic!

So yes, we bought hooks, and a few new ornaments, and these lovely mutated Kitch glittery Christmas trees.

As of now are tree is quite lovely (full of so many ornaments of the boldest and brightest colors.) We shall finish later.

But alas, here it is almost 8am and I've yet to go to bed,...and I have to be wide awake a 5pm. ...That means sleeping away the morning and not getting the errands run. But....ah C'est la vie.

and really there is just so much going on in the Raven's head that she can't put into words. This is partly why I haven't been writing because sometimes I just have to mull things over in my head, and then talk to friends.

Thinking, and analyzing and re-evaluating....

I'm thinking there is someone I misjudged, that my initial perception was incorrect...was I really wrong, or do I just hope I am?

Have I been selfish and mean.....closed minded, arrogant? Pretentious? Hypocritical? Hypercritical? Insensitive?

I confuse myself. I have 2 sides. part of me has become hardened and jaded, and cynical...selfish and cruel, arrogant. judgmental, unfeeling. and the other part buried deep down is so optimistic, so hopeful, and so caring and nurturing.

but I've detached the to,...The first is really a defense mechanism. I form opinions about people an if they are negative they are hard to change. ...they are slow to build,..but we they are complete they are so to tear down....because I don't admit I'm wrong and that I misjudged them.

but it seems my judgment is worth jack shit. on a whole I've opened myself up and trusted people who ended up hurting me....people who I thought were deep and honest and trust worthy. people I who I thought were perfect.

I'm mainly thinking of Jeff and Libby.

interestingly enough they were in my life for about the same span of time,....Libby longer, but not when compared to Becky and B and C.

When I first started dating Jeff, Libby explained The Cube exercise on me. ....She told me to imagine a horse. ....I imagined the most beautiful, most perfect white horse. pristine and almost glittering, mane and tail blowing loosely in the breeze. it's beauty almost indescribable. ....She told me this was my minds manifestation of Jeff. ...And it was. ...In the months that followed I thought through the exercise. ...the horse became a replica of the ones ridden by the Ring Wraiths.

See this person who I saw as perfect and beautiful showed himself to be one of the most vile creatures I have encountered. he is horrible.

So really I am shit at determining first impressions. I am been so wrong. It makes me wonder how many people I judged wrongly....

I hate admitting this about myself. no one likes to admit when they are wrong.

why is life so confusing.

I have hated onions all my life. But last summer I woke up and decided I wanted some. And not only did I want a few in my salad or in meal. ...But,...Fuck! My favorite sandwich became tomato, Onion and avocado!...with ginormous! pieces of onion. ...good thing I wasn't kissing anyone at the time. ...and ever since I have loved them. Some how I missed all the good they had to offer...distracted by how different they were from everything else. ....Really potent in this odd way. And now that's exactly what I like and can't get enough of.