Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

All thoughts share one link. (long)
February 07, 2003 11:14 a.m.

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Because the campus sever was down last night....I had to save this and post it today. ...yes in fact I was pretty sure the server was down,..so I copy and pasted into Word so I wouldn't lose the whole thing....it's so brillant that if I had lost it it would have severaly pissed me off!

Okay,....So I've been thinking about alot of things lately, and it's really interesting when they all sort of combine and make sense together. ..And that's just what has happened.

Number one, relating to the previous entry that is seen on this page, I've been thinking alot about T lately. I mean,..granted I'm pathetic enough that he's always at the back of my mind in some way or another,...but I'm pretty good at keeping it back there,...but lately it's been up in the front and circling around with my new thoughts. ..So yeah..I heard that song and it reminded me of him. Yeah I spoke with my friend Pryce the other day about him. But the main kicker is the fact about what time a year it is. Oddly enough The Day of Evil, national singles awareness day,..also know a Valentine’s Day, I greatly associate with him. Why? I'll tell you. The opening for the juried student show is always around this time. Always on a Thursday,..This year it's on the 13. Submissions were Tuesday and Weds. ..And today the results were posted and as well as the juror's lecture.

My freshman year I was kind stuck on this one boy...I say kinda because at the time it seemed huge...but in regards to this T thing...uh uh, no way...So ..there was this guy in two of my classes second semester..I noticed him right away in the first one and was happy to see him in the second. He dressed the way I liked and he was kinda cute...and he was reading a book in religion. . He immediately caught my attention. I liked the fact that he was reading something intelligent while he waited for class to begin. I introduced myself right after class. This of course was T. ..and over the first month I was sorta diggin' on him....but it wasn't until the juried show opening, and he had a piece in it...that I really started to crush on him. ..The oddly enough it was around that time the next year that I called him up and confessed to him of my crush. ..I saw him the next week at the opening and he and I made a conscience effort to keep it from being awkward. ..Then it was last year at the posting of the list of accepted pieces that I decovered he was missing. His name was not on the list. He is good enough that had he submitted something he would have had a piece in the show. ..But he was not on the list. And now, here it is my senior year,...I will be graduating and his name, again, was not on the list.

Now how does this apply to everything else? ~smile~ Well...

One thing I've been thinking about is the whole...Why me thing. ..Why am I going to be successful at this art thing. ...I mean all these great opportunities keep falling in my lap and I just can't get over it. Why me? Then I recall the night where it seemed that I was being told that I would be successful,..and the reasons why. I just keep hearing it in my head...

I've been chosen for greatness...I'm being rewarding for over coming trials.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine who is a play write. He said something to me that made alot of sense. He pointed out that I have been working my ass off....and I have,....it might not seem that way because I'm used to it....but I have. I have been working my ass off. ....He said I would succeed because I have the drive. There are tons of people in this world that have talent...many much more talented than I,...but they won't succeed because they don't have the drive. 2 of my friends from hs. went to Maryland Institute of Art. One of them is sooo amazing,...but the last time I saw her work...it was awful, she had digressed so much. Another example is T. He is an amazing artist is just about every way. He has an absolutely brilliant mind. The ideas he came up with our freshman year...to this day still floor me. He did amazing computer art. He was technically brilliant...his sculptures..amazing! ....His drawings Fantastic....yet where is he? he dropped out last October and has been doing shit jobs ever since. ...Pryce said he's thinking about going back to school in Chicago...but she said knowing him it's never going to happen.

He's working shit jobs...and I already have 2 professional shows lined up. A third friend of mine from hs who goes to Wabash, who has his whole life as being an artist…is considering being a priest.

Then tonight at the juror's lecture he was discussing something with a group of us afterwards...the ideas of having to work..and referring to it as play,...making time to play...and basically living life for art....being the type of person whose sole purpose in life is to do art. ..and I feel that way. And I was in a group of 3 other class mates. ...2 of which I have absolutely NO respect for artistically...and I just wanted to hit them continuously. ...One time he made reference to the fact that there are few individuals in the world...and the one person who seemed to agree with this most is the girl who fucking wants to be me!!! The girl whose art most of the time is a half assed rip off of mine! The girl who said it was hard to find the time to do art when she had so many responsibilities...and I was just like BITCH you NEVER arrange your priorities!!! You NEVER take care of your responsibilities! In this girl's world there is no such thing as time or deadlines. ...How the fuck does she know how hard it is to meet them?

And another thing, J had to drop out of school last semester. She fucked around her for 5 years...and now her dad lost his job and could no longer afford to send her. She wants to be a music composer. ....Right now she has developed an unhealthy relationship with viccadin. See...she hurt her hip/back ...which the dr. told her it was because she is overweight. ...she took that news and cried about it for 2 weeks and did nothing...she's still over weight...and she went back to the dr. the other day...having lost no weight and they give her more drugs ...which she has to take daily ...as B says..."Just to live her stupid life".

Hell, even B talks constantly about being a writer. He's pretty sure he will be quite successful...but he never does it.

...Drive ladies and gentlemen....drive. Do I have it? Lately I'm starting to think yes.

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