Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Unhealthy situation
October 05, 2004 6:26 a.m.

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The situation with the NZ guy is getting way too confusing for my own good.

This is such an unhealthy situation.

I mean, our emails are now concluding with, "miss you".

and I don't know about him but when I use those words....I mean them, and that's the scarey part.

It reminds me of the Sex and the City ep when Samatha commented that she.......Missed...Smith ..while he was way filming a movie.

one of the problems is I can't decided if it's him I miss or merely the caricature I have formed in my mind of my interpretation of his words and a fuzzy version of his appearance.

Miss You

Those are load words.

Those are real words, words which have such a subtext of emotional meaning.

This is such a bad situation,...and it is headed somewhere horrible. ...nothing good can come of it. ...

We have this horrible sea saw of emotions between us....we are always up and down on how we seem to see the situation....and the other seems to feel the opposite. He he seems to be reaching for me I am often pulling away, and vice versa. ...or maybe I'm the one who is pulling away and he really is busy.

He has been wanting to call me for quite a long time....and admitedly when I weighed the situation upon what I would regret more, doing or not doing...doing always won out,....now the not doing is winning.....10 years from now will I regret not speaking with him? ...the answer has now become yes.

We were catching up using AIM the other night, something we hadn't done in a long time....and he told me that he found out that would only cost him $4 to talk with me for 2 hours. .....I declined the offer that night because I was quite tired and it had been a long day at work...but it was (huh, last week exactly) Monday night and I had tuesday off, so I told him maybe the next night. ...And I decided all day that I would let him call me that night,...I cleared my schedule, got myself a new castle and came online to look for him.

He had emailed me that he was at a seminar and wouldn't be back until 8pm his time (5 am mine). ...Then he went out of town for a few days (which I knew he was going to do)....and the window of opprotunity was gone. (reasonably enough such a call would have to take place on a night when his flatmate isn't around.)

So again, we are back to the email game.

again, this really is such an unhealthy and confusing situation I've got myself into.

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Zeldman

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