to play or not to play
April 25, 2004 11:33 p.m.

It would have been with Mr. X's housemate Travis. (the two of us depicted in the picture below)

We've had a strange overtly flirtations realtionship over the past few months, but really have nothing in commom...and he's not my type...and I don't think I'm his either...but we do flirt alot.

And last night I got really drunk...I think the drunkest I've been since the Imfamous party and I was loud, and brash and overtly sexual...I was the type of girl that I mock and dislike when I see them at a party. ...I knew this at the time and commented it on it....about how I didn't care and was having fun and being the biggest virgin in the room I was allowed to act like a slut.

My masochistic submissive side came out...at one point there was sort of a spanking contest and I was the judge. (Mainly because Travis was being domineering and telling me to bend over...and being a sub I just had to obey) ...never really be a big fan of spanking...but eh...I'm a Sub so I played along....and I have to tell you that now I understand what is a good spanking and what is not....and I have to say Travis gives a good fucking spanking!!! no one else was even close.

but...anyway once everyone had passed out....Tavis and I were still awake...for what ever the hell reason, both of us extremely trashed...3 am and still wanting to be awake. ..So we decide to watch a movie...but appartently the movie watching had to be done in his room....I had an idea what this meant ..but I figured...eh what the hell.

*Btw ....don't use 'watching a movie' as a means to get to make out with a movie dork. someone says "watch a movie" ...I take that as ...watch a movie. I take my movie watching very seriously!

Anyway, we ended up being on the couch in his room....his arm around me...me trying to get comfortable (because the couch was not so much) but the movie had only been on for a very short amount of time when he realize that he really should go to bed.....(he had to work at 6am) ...this was fine by me because as I was sitting there with him....all I could think about was Jeff and how I'd rather be sitting there with Jeff instead....curled up in that nice little nook next to him, feeling safe and secure and comfortable. It was almost a relief that nothing happened. I mean...I don't regret not doing anything,...and I don't think I would have regretted if anything had happened. but...when I went back downstairs to sleep on the couch (did this because I wanted to..I think I could have slept with him if I wanted to...but I didn't. ....Oh and shortly after I got downstairs I heard him puking...so I of course made the right decision) all I could think about was Jeff....and how I'm sick of all the bullshit that is surrounding that situation. cause it is bullshit...oh he's the only person I think about but he dropped me so I can't go back after him. Fuck if he's the one thing I want....all of this is just BULLSHIT and I shouldn't care and I should just go after what I want. And if he turns me down the turns me down,..what's the big deal?

As I told him ..with him being my only experience I'm going to think about more that a person normally would...I mean...I'll just be that girl he dated for a month....and he's the only person I've been intimate with...and that doesn't just go away...or atleast it hasn't for me anyway...But this morning as I laid there in the dark, having left the arms of another guy all I could think of was Jeff. ...Wanting to just go home and call him ....and what I would say just kept getting simpler and simpler. I started with, "I'm sick of all this bullshit and I wanted to know if you've missed me at all" ...eventually me just calling up and asking point blank "hey, would you like to go get some coffee?".

But then I fell asleep and all consideration of such a call ended there.