Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

the joys of having no car radio.
October 20, 2002 9:39p.m.

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So I am now of the opinion that it is very unhealth of me to not have a radio, or a stereo or anything of such a nature in my car...and then take a long car trip.

I drove home this weekend for fall 'break'. a whole day of break can you believe it!

anyway, it wasn't so bad driving home on friday, I sang the whole way, ..but since I have a slight bit of a cold I couldn't sing much on the way back...so I started making up sanarios (like I like to do) and talking to myself.

Apparently one of the local theaters here in town will be hosting an American Idol 2 audition. I'm thinking about giving it a shot. I mean, I can sing, what the hell, what have I got to lose.

So for while I was singing songs that would be good for that (although, how would I know having never seen the show)(protending that I was lucking enough to have been selected for the show) and then I started singing NIN "The Great Below" which sounded really good, which sent me into the alternate reality...I imagined that one of Mr. Reznor's friends saw it and called him immedately to have him turn it on and watch. Then as soon as possible he contacted me and talked with me (yes in fact was holding a conversation with myself and TR) ..He said he knew I was a fan because the version I sang was an adaptation from the live version on the dvd. ..he eventually asked me if I had any experience writing, and I told him very little, but I ended up singing him one of my songs. ...and because he is infact (and I did read this somewhere, and therefore I'm not entirely insane ..this all BASED in reality) he want's to work with a female singer, but he doesn't want it to sound like NIN with a female singer...so he offers me a record deal with Nothing, but he did stipulate that I could no longer be a part of the show (which was fine by be because I was doing it for the hell of it). ...so he eventually ended up coming here and having me sign the contract.

Eventually....(leaving out alot of details) ..since he was in town he wondered if there in good bars in town, and I told him that there was one, and he suggested that I call up some of my friends and we just go have drinks and chill....ya know...with him being Trent, and not ~announcer voice~ Trent Reznor of Nine Ince Nails!!!!.

So I called up some people that I figured would be cool, and not turn all Total Request Live. Those being, B, C, B's former house mate...and his girl friend. ...And when I could up her I asked her if she thought T would like to go (I figured T would pee himself for the chance) she agreed and gave me his number. I called, told him the whole story and he showed up.

And one point Trent ended up disapparing for a bit (I think to the bathroom) and I took this opprotunity to talk to T.

I told him since he owed me big (my being the reason he got to meet Trent) that I didn't feel bad for asking him a question I've been wanting to ask him for awhile.

..I know that when you first meet someone and you're attracted to them it's like you have a checklist in your head, and one by one you check off the qualites that that person has that will allow you to be attracted to the person. But...over time there will be things that that person will do, or be, or not be that make them not 'exactly' the type of person you want, but you somehow disregard it, because at this time it is no longer the charactoristics they have or don't have, or the things they can do, or can't do, because by then it's them you are attracted to, and therefore there is nothing they can do to change your mind.

And at the same time...it works both ways, there is nothing you can do to change someone's mind if they aren't interested in you. It doesn't matter how many amazing paintings I do, or how many freaking movies I watch, or books I read...if he's not interesting in me, he won't be.

BUT...I'm just curiously,...why not me?

And he and I get into a long conversation about this (his reasoning because he was inexperienced and because I persued him like I did, he was very intemidated and thought me to be more experienced that I am.)

Anyway,...enough with the trip inside my mind. ...I need to get a car stereo or check myself into a mental instituion.

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