Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

New Years
January 3, 2004 1:30 a.m.

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So 2004 hasn't been treating me too bad. Things have been fairly well. ...though, let me back track.

So Wednsday morning while I was at work I was signed on to AIM as usual and Jeff messaged me. He asked me how my morning was going and eventually if I had plans for that night. I told him that I did have plans and what they were. I have half a mind to think he was gonna ask me to go to their party.

So the New years party went pretty well, aside from the fact that I spent some of it sort of quiet and out of it and just milling over things in my head.

Mr. X's friend Phil was there hitting on me a lot and I could have had a midnight kiss with him, not really sure why I didn't take him up on it. The thing is that he is really physically not my type but I was finding myself oddly attracted to him, so this was one of the things I was milling over in my head. Trying to decided if that was a situation I was wanting to persue. ...but while I was milling (having sorta turned him down a few times) he started hitting on one of my friends that was there,....and I don't blame him, I mean he tried and I showed no sign of interest. I guess given my experience I consider a kiss a commitment. It's not just a kiss to me, it's a bit more intimate.

Then the last night I ended up going to Denny's with my friend Aric and some of my Wabash friends. there was only 5 of us. That was nice. Then Aric ended up coming over to my place and we hung out for maybe 5 hours. That was cool. I ended up telling him about the whole Jeff situation because he hadn't heard any of it. And when I first told him he was like, "Jeff? My friend Jeff....?" "Tall Jeff?" and I told him yes each time. and every time I'd tell him a detail of the situaion he'd say "Wow, I'm sorry, bad Jeff. What an idiot." Yeah....he just kept appologizing for him. But Aric did tell me that Jeff does have a tendency to do that and that I should have ask him (aric) first...but then I told him how quick everything was. He was surprised that he hadn't heard anything about it. He says that he usually knows about Jeff's hook ups.

But it was cool. Aric and I sat around dicussing primarily Lit, books, and analyzing film. We did watch Josie and the Pussycats because he hadn't seen it and I had a feeling he would enjoy it, which he did. We also drank a fair amount of wine, he drank more than I did. But, it was really nice to see him. We have been friends since middle school, but it has always been on the down low. We hang out once in a while and talk. We usually have this nice little conversation, nice little moments....but then it'll be months before we talk again. Strange. I wonder if I'll hear more from him now or if it will go back to the same old situation. He currently lives about an hour away, he was only in town for new years and ended up staying longer than anticipated.

Oh and on the Jeff thing,....sometime after midnight on new years I got Marty to delete Jeff's number from my cell phone. I had't been able to do it. And now I don't know if it was a good thing. With his sudden reemergance I can't help but ponder the what ifs. But again ....I've been pondering what ifs since August and I've yet to act. well see, maybe I'll be strong enough to let him fade away. ....but the what ifs keep reminding me of the good times...and thinking that maybe somehow I can get that back.

eh, but it's too late (and I'm not feeling well) to do anything about it tonight, and maybe when I've feeling better those thoughts will have disapated.

Oh and another thing, as Aric and I were talking I kept having moments that made me that sort of reinforced my innital reasons for liking Jeff. For example when Aric and I were discusing film and movies I couldn't help but think of Jeff's and my movie dorkness. And then later on the subject of The Normals came up and he said that he hadn't heard of them, and I responded that most people hadn't. And then my brain had to chime in that the first time I mentioned them to jeff the responded that he had heard of them and knew what their most recent album looked like. Now he hadn't listened to it, but that was more than most people know about them.

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