Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Identification with Vanilla Sky.
January 01, 2002 4:30 a.m.

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I will try to word this so not to ruin the movie,...maybe if you haven't seen Vanilla Sky,...you might not want to read more.

Granted this just goes to show how screwed up and depressed I am (if you didn't know, yes I am,..I just hide it well). I have seriously thought that the Ulimate Surprise of the film,...you know the thing which the contract that Tom Cruise signed with the man in the bar is for, That whole idea and concept sounds pretty good to me. In fact I kinda do it now naturally as it is. It's really said the I honestly thought about it, and if hypotethicly posed with the opprotunity I might just take it. Screwed up huh?

hmmmmm this really does show how screwed up I am. Maybe I'll delete it later when I awake up and feel embarressed by these depressing thoughts.

New Year's, Funny Drunks, Depression, and Handcuffs.
January 01, 2002 4:18 a.m.

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So I went to a party 'tonight'...last night, New year's eve. Techniquelly it's New Year's day, but I have yet to go to bed.

Anyway, I went to this party. My first New Year's house party with more than 3 people. It was awesome! there was alot of people that I knew from High school, but didn't really know,...but they were cool people than, and college,...err the last 3 years, did them well. Seriously, this one guy who I remembered as being quiet and scrawny seriously beefed up and became extroverted. ...and I saw this one guy whom was a big (literally, he is like over 6 feet and ways 200 and some pounds)nerd and really wound tight, get drunk for the first time tonight. I mean....plastered. It was absolutely hystrarical! It was a great time the happiest I haven in god knows how long. It got me out of my head for a few hours. But...I'm back home know, and back in reality. Huge. That being my usually depressed and lonely state. Gosh, I can't wait to get back to school. I can't wait to get my show finished and up. that will be a giant weight of of my back.

On a completely unrelated side note: I don't know if I meantioned this, but I got my handcuffs back from my prom date. (btw..it's not what you're thinking. I'm a good girl an the ulimate virgin of the world,...I loaned them to him to use for a prank 3 years a go, and yes I just got them back,..it's a wonderful story, but I'm not telling.) ....Now if I only I had someone to use them on.....or maybe someone to use them on me. ~evil smile~ Don't worry, don't see that happening anytime soon. But I do enjoy joking about it.

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