recent thoughts on addiction
May 14, 2005 12:35 a.m.

I've been thinking alot about addiction lately.

Being confronted with addiction over and over.

Back when Dr. Phil was promoting that interview with what's his nime, You're-So-fucking-hot, on Larry King, he said that something like 13% of all people who go into rehab actually succeed.

And that makes me think of how well my dad is doing.

My dad went into rehab in July 2002

And he has been clean ever since (knock on wood) So that means he's been sober for almost 3 years now.

But it is still this big elephant in the room....atleast regarding me. I haven't fully come to terms with it.

the other night I was speaking with him about dinner and he said that he "had a Me(eting)-err errand to run" and he would be back in an hour.

It's the whole thing about the parent not being wrong....parents don't make mistakes....

I want to tell him how proud I am of him but it just isn't an issue I can bring up to him.

So the other night I just gave him this big long hug that I hoped would get across that I love him and that I'm proud of him.

I've been thinking maybe I should try going to an ala non meeting. My mom used to go...but she had some trouble with the steps and disagreed with them and quit going. but I never went to one.

But the thing is...I don't know how to do this. the boyfriend asked me who I'm closer to, my mom or dad...but really I'm not close to either of them.

I always keep them at a distance. Really, I have nothing in common with them. I'm so different! somehow I just don't fit.

I don't dress the way the would like....somehow I ended up following the deadend career path of Artist instead of something that would make them proud.....and I understand that the are proud and supportive of my art. They came to all my shows and have my art all over the house...but I know they would be happier if I had a real job and if I had some sort of normal direction....maybe planning a wedding and preparing for kids in my future.

Personally, I hate children, and I don't know how I feel about marriage.

My family is so seperated. Now...I'm gonna guess this is because I'm an only child and my father's an alcholic.

My father isolated himself as a part of his addiction....I isolated myself because I was a kid. ...and my mom, well she's a workaholic. She was always working, or cooking or cleaning...and I grew up letting her do those things. ...So with my father isolating himself ...I was left to my own devices.

I became two different people. Who I am...and the person I let them see. I usually answer most questions with one word answers or with as little details as possible.

but the thing is....the things that interest me...certain books, films....pop culture references...they couldn't careless about. So if I try and tell them why a certain film is brillent.....the tune me out and go about my business like I'm not even talking......so why should I waste my breath.

We don't know how to communicate at all with one another.

Oh, of course they are fantastic with my friends. I bring people over and everyone Loves my mom. and they think my Dad is so cool and funny.

And really, they are both fantastic and I'm glad to have them...

but went don't click as a unit.

When I come over for dinner...we have dinner...then after wards I watch come bad reality tv with my mom while my dad retires to the living room.

I see or hear about other peoples close knit families and I just makes me want it for myself....but I have no idea how to achieve it.

And the thing is....the goes for my extended family. ..We are a family of addiction.

The addiction line is my father's. His Father was....and in turn he and his to sisters have their own addictions...

I have one aunt that talks to me but not to anyone one else...and my other aunt hates her.

My aunt that live in chicago...we've been socializing with them more...but...it's oh so awkward and formal. I've written about my cousin who is the closest thing I have to a brother.

Really, the only thing I know about family is my friends.

and growing up I had no friends, so this is why I value my friends I makde in high school and college.

anyway....I'm getting hungry, and this rant isn't going anywhere...just a collection of thoughts.

~sigh~ and I miss the boyfriend already.