Someone New.
January 26, 2005 4:05 a.m.

But I think it is time for me to make note that there is a boy in my life.

I'm really confused about it,...and I don't know what to make of it,...and I don't know where it's going...

but I do know that there is a boy in my life who makes me smile for no reason. something will cause me to think of him and I just smile. ...a wide smile.... for no one else but myself....just because I thought of him.

I haven't done that in so long. ...it feels like a glimmer of happiness.

and for that I'm afraid.

What if I'm wrong? what if I'm getting ahead of myself?

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, Good things like this don't happen to me. I never get happiness for free. There is always a price. and the better the drug, the high the fee.

My emotions are ripping me apart. I am desperately trying to keep him at a distance until I know for sure it's safe to let him in, ...but the other part of me wants to feel good, and wants to take what he is giving me and give him so much. That part of me so tired of being strong, and resistant, wants so much to give in. but my head keeps reiterating that I can't believe it is real just yet. ...its not real, it can be (...Freudian Slip...Freudian Typo.)

I know what happens when I start to let myself believe.

if I just resist a bit more, a bit longer I can make it to the safe place.

But everything about him makes me feel good. heh...everything of course except my mental issues that are on display currently.

he ever increasingly makes me feel good, feel smart, feel beautiful, and sexy, and wanted. he makes me feel worthy and special. and I like that ....I like that.

but what happens if I get used to it and it goes away. What if he is wrong about me,....and I him. ....I have been so wrong in the past, someone so beautiful once proved to be so foul.

I wish I could jump in feet first trusting that the water is as perfect as it looks,....but this time, I'm clutching the rail, easing down the steps...needing a closer look.

I'm not supposed to feel good,...

I want so badly to hold him ..and to feel safe and know that it is the right thing to feel. That I can feel. That I can open myself up again.

to not be afraid......to not to have to look over my shoulder and expect the worst.

expecting the worst is exhausting. It's so exhausting.

but I don't think my heart could take another immediate rejection. I'm trying to minimize the inevitable fall.

It took me a year or so to recover from Jeff and we only dated a month. ...But I was so happy. So happy, one of the few times in my life that I can say I was happy. he made me feel so wanted. How could I go from being so desirous to being so forgettable? What's keeping that from happening again?

Now granted this fellow already understands me more,..knows me more....and respects me 10 times more than Jeff ever did or ever will. ....and dare I say (without putting him on the preverbal pedestal that got me in trouble before) that he is 100 times the man that Jeff is or will ever be. and I don't think he could hurt me like Jeff did. ...but I'm also terrifed about hurting him, what if I say thing wrong thing, or do the wrong thing,...or..god help me I can't type it. ...but again with expecting the worst.