parker painting revealed.
April 22, 2005 4:48 a.m.

The painting above is what really got me working again. True it is a wimsical, adorable, almost kitchy painting. But, it was made with love for those I care about, and it was received with love.

Jen started telling me how much she loved it and why, going into detail, telling me from the heart...She told Mike, her husband, how happy it made her and if it made him happy, and he instantly said yes.

The best part was when the little girl saw it she immedately said, "It's ME! ..and My kitty!"

I love that she was able to see it and understand.

yeah, I think the forcing myself to finish the painting for her birthday was a good thing. It had been sitting in my living room, with only a couple of hours of work, since Christmas, and I busted my ass to finish it in time. Granted, it was wet when I put it in the car, but I was satisfied. Giving my time frame, my goal, and what I had to work with, I am happy with the end result.

it's funny, if I do become someone artisticly worth knowing, people will study my work...they'll see all this moody emotional work...and then they'll find all these portraits of B and Parker. ...They'll think that B and I were fucking and that she was my daughter. .....well those will of course be the rumors that the experts will have to dispell every time the subject comes up.

The Muse is Walking
April 22, 2005 4:15 a.m.

Planning on starting a new painting very soon. Tonight I did more prep work on the frame....it should be ready for stretching very soon.

Granted I have been working with mixed media assemblege....but Right now I think I just want to make a beauiful painting....the freedom of a clean flat surface.

Yes, I know people talk about the daunting sight of a blank canvase...and truly I understand. But...having worked with blank "canvases" that not only have to be filled with paint, but also lots of tiny object....building compositions out of random shapes....putting what I have together to form something intersting....and then building a paint atop that....decided which of those elements to be brought forward and acknowledged, and which ones should be minimized into the background....it can be very frustrating. It's a very difficult way of working...and yeah...the pieces are amazing when finished...But right now I want to freedom of a simple blank canvase.

Tonight, I drew.

I've been feeling the need alot lately, being in restaurants, looking around being inspired. Whether it is art on the walls or the vocals of open mic night,...something about the atmosphere has awakened the muse in me. I look at the lofty ceilings, notice the angles of the corners and the ducts, how it connect to the wall and the door....the numerous lighted balls on long vertical cords hanging in a line aided by the perspective.....so beauiful I want to capture it...and when I'm there in the atmosphere that's all I can think about. I need to get a new sketch book...a real one. ...one that I can really just go and capture things like that...and write in. ...maybe even turn sketches into paintings, who knows. ...but I'm feeling really intensely.

maybe the boyfriend has something to do with the knew feeling of life and creation in me....his making me so happy.

..Now...as I've mentioned before....the frustating thing that comes when I make art...

I'm always surprised by how much I enjoy it. And how good I am at it.

It's so frustrating....the whole reenforcement of the fact that yes I am an artist. I've writen before how everyone has this romantic notion about art and artists, but at the end of the day, no one ever really wants to be one. They all get real jobs. The become doctors, or lawyers. or insurance salesmen, travel agents, relators...and whatever the fuck real jobs out there. As an artist I get to live that oh so confusing impoverish existance. So few of us succeed.

People ask me why I've been afraid to work.

Maybe I'm convinced I'm going to fail, that the chances of Me being the One artists in how many to succeed is so slim that I might as well not try.

Well, Fuck that.

That is for all my failing friends.

The Ones who went to fancy art schools, and lost the drive and started doing shit work.

I worked my ass off.

I was fucking ambitious as hell.

I am strong, and a better artist than all of them at the end,

and god damn it, it's about time I quite whining and showed the world.

I drove by the theater next to my house tonight, which has a tiny gallery inside it...the lobby was lit so I spyed some of the work, I think it reminded me some of my own. ...

My concern with my work is that it is not for little blue haired ladies who like their kinkades, and lawyers who like their Monets and Rothkos. ....I understand the local market,..and I don't fit in to it. I can't imagine anyone near by wanting to show my work. ..no collectors wanting a piece of this new up and coming voice.

but...maybe I'm wrong...maybe the gallery will be open to my work...and I just need to grow up and just fucking try.

Need to finish up the portfolio.