It's supposed to be hard. if it was easy everyone would do it. It's the hard that makes it Great.
December 16, 2004 2:48 a.m.

we are the last of the true mystics ... artists, writers, performers ... & its up to the remaining few, who still heed the call, to keep the energy clean and pure ... to worship every day ... writing, drawing, thinking, reading, exploring ... whether good, or worthy, or important is not for us to decide ... we are here for one purpose ... there aren't many in this world that dare explore the sacred neural pathways of the creative divine or seek to uncover the eternal mysteries ... anymore.

search on pilgrim.

The thing is that as of late she has been posting quite alot. And I have so much respect for how she just lives and breaths art and creation. ...And there are days when I feel like a poser, like she would denounce me for claiming to be an artist and doing nothing about it.

Tonight I painted, and yesterday I drew, but for the past month or so I haven't really created. And my point is that so often I feel like I'm only an artist...only taking up the cause if I'm working on new piece. ...but the truth is I do feed the Muse every day. Some days I read, others I type out elaborate fantasies, or I play chess. I sing in some respects everyday. ...Usually this is in the car, but sometimes while I'm at work or in the shower.

Reading the Tyrant feeds the muse...Singing with Otep...I'm enjoying art, feeding my imagination....learning and experiencing someone else’s art and taking into me what they have purged from their soul.

Playing chess strengthens my mind. (at least I think). Sitting in Denny's discussing art. ...Sitting in a coffee shop reading, looking up at the art on the walls critiquing it. Watching a film or a movie and critiquing it. Engaging in stimulating debate. Ranting for a half hour at curves about the current state of our government.

thinking, reading, exploring

A friend of mine told me once that a "Painter Paints" and if I wasn't painting than I wasn't a painter. ....But,...maybe I'm not a painter. I'm an artist. I can seek and release the muse in form for the sake of creation. Someone told me once that an artist can make art from anything. Yes I draw, I paint, I loved doing large scale metal sculpture. I was surprised how much I enjoyed printmaking. ...I've started designing my own layouts and enjoying it when before I would spend hours making a mess and scraping it.

I write diary entries and emails keeping my mind sharp and exploring the details of life.

Why do I say I'm a painter. I'm an Artist who uses paint frequently.

I AM, AN ARTIST!!!

And Art is War.

Strategy is just as important as the attack. Knowing the opponent’s weak points. Understanding and learning about life. Knowing how I've been lied to and how I'm manipulated....and how they try to keep me silent.

I've been really lost....questioning whether or not I really am an artist or whether it's all just bullshit. ...But now I realize that I really have been connecting with the muse...maybe not as much as I used to, maybe not as much as I should, but the truth is, I'm doing it in different ways that I used to. It's a different type of fight, and a different type of attack. but I am still a chosen one. selected to create, selected to fight.

Although a line from RENT just popped in my head.

The opposite of War isn't Peace, It's Creation.

War is destruction. ...But we can't be reborn unless we are destroyed. The circle of life, the Phoenix being born from the ashes.

Art is rebellion. Art is thought. Art is NOT compliance. Art questions what we think to be true. Art is impulsive and pure. It comes from the gut, from the soul.

Thomas Kinkade is Not an artist. He is the Reigning Ringleader of Kitch. he is not creating, he is not questioning. he is stagnant and complacent.

Earlier today I was discussing the similarities of Poe and Van Gogh. The idea of being so ahead of your time and being so confident in what you were doing, that when everyone around you is telling what you are doing is shit. ...to say, "No! I'm enlightened and you haven't the capacity to understand yet!" Those men were so talented that it hurt. to have the muse living in them so strong. wow. That's a scary concept.

Awhile back Mr. Justin told me that the reason I wasn't creating wasn't because I didn't have time, but because I was afraid and that was something I would have to figure out and deal with.

I know that my life is going to hurt. And it does hurt, I already hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to live in my head, and have that simple uncomplicated life that everyone else has. ...That life that doesn't exist I know. Someone once told me that Everyone thinks they are on the Path Less Traveled By. Everyone thinks they are...and like to brag about being. But honestly. I have truly come to that fork in the road, and for the past year I've been just sitting and staring at it. I know that when I step on that path I am going to hurt and struggle and I am so afraid. I hurt and I struggle now,...and I'm worried that I am too weak to handle more of it. ("I'm afraid I'm a slave, I'm weak and average" ~Otep)

Growing up, high school, even college, being an artist seems so exciting so fun. And it is...but there's a point where people "grow up" and do something else. And those people aren't artists. They are just in it for the fun and the glory. They just like to say, I'm an artist. But I am an artist. I have to create, and there are days I fear it and I hide from it. Wish I didn't have this ache and need for release. ...but really I just need to grow up and grow some balls and just step onto the god damned path.