Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Mr. Conductor
September 13, 2004 2:15 a.m.

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So Mr. Conductor came in tonight, rather early.....~smile~ and only to buy cigarettes. ~Dr. Evil pinky placement~ Hmmmmm I wonder if he just wanted to see me....

But since he came in early...and it's pretty quiet around that time of night, we talked for a good while.....which was nice because I was worried because I think I had almost exhausted teasing him about how much soda he consumes....I was wondering if I'd have anything else to talk to him about,....or what conversation I should propose next.

When he came in I started talking with him...and at some point asked him about his tattoos ...I had seen one before...but not all of them....so I complimented his work and asked him about it. ...This is one of my token customer conversation starters. If they have tattoos....ask them about them, if they are good, then compliment them. .....Then brag about B's tattoos. ....and by time that is said they are usually on their way out the door, ...But after bragging to him about all of B's designs that span his back....Mr. Conductor started to tell me about the giant design planned of his back....and this sort of led to him dropping more information about himself.

First off, he likes Pitt Bulls. ...alot. He has a girl pitt, named Lazy, that is a special rare breed of pitt....and he paid about $1000 for her.

He also has kids. ....yeah,....plural....but he only directly mentioned a daughter. ...He also briefly mention the fact that he lost his kids....so I don't know exactly what that means....was he married? Did he have custady? ...why were the taken? did the mother move away? Were the children afraid of the dog? ...Or was it just that he works nights and really wasn't around as much as would be considered idea?

He also has a totally phat car......white convertable, with a kick ass sound system.

...but the whole situation has me analyzing why I have this little crush. ...Note: little....honestly tiny.

I can point at the numerous Jeff similarities. ....his voice, his hair....he is some what tall....his voice patterns...smoker...

I mean,....over all....he really isn't someone I would normally be attracted to...I think.

Is it just that his more attainable than the perfect looking guys that come in?

Maybe it's the bad boy thing.....this tall, rugged guy with tattoos...who works the night shift, this deep sexy voice....the edge...

I can't help but think he and I could be really sexually compatable....don't know why I think that, but I just do......heh...maybe the Jeff thing again.

And then there's the whole "Kids" issue. I don't like kids. not my scene, don't want to be a mother....and normally the idea of a guy having a kid would be a total deal breaker with me,....But with him, what came to mind was ....wow...I'm getting to that age, and I live in a society where guys I meet will realisticly be fathers or husbands. ...I'm at an age where I now have to look for a wedding ring. (Note to self, check and see if Mr. Conductor has one.)

All and all...my point is I have no idea why I'm attracted to this guy....other than the fact that I am. .....And it scares me to think that I might fall for someone just because my subconcience is trying to get back the pre-asshole Jeff.

but note: this is a tiny crush.....I also have a tiny crush on another guy who comes in....and I expect him to ask me out every time he's in.

Also, I'm a cat person. ...I have gained some respect for dogs....the B-and-C-fam has number of them which I get along with, but can't see myself having one. ...Repeat...Cat Person. So what do I have in common with this guy?!?!?

Do I just want to have someone to be infatuated with and he just won the infatuation lottery?

And really isn't that just the point of dating someone (hypotheticly speaking) ....I mean...to hang out with them.....try them on so to speak...and see what they are like? ....And if there really isn't complatability....just not see one another anymore?

.....is this all really an issue because I'm so inexperienced? there was a point tonight when I realized that he had be there awhile, and that I think he actually enjoyed talking to me, and could possibly be attracted to me (but god only knows how in my horrible work uniform) .....and I got so scared!!! Like....what if he askes me out....what if he ends up being a freak.....what if it's a bad experience....?!!?!?

and plus there's the idea of being 24 and and sexually inexperienced as I am....I know it's been a while since I brought this up, but I can't help it....I don't know how old he is....but ...I'm not so nieve to think that most guys can handle being with someone as inexperienced as I. .....in my little encounter I had last summer ....I didn't go down on the guy. Part of me wishes I had. ....but I know that at the time I did what I was comfortable with and no one can ask more of me. ....and considering that before that night my experince with the male body consisted mouth, hands, head, and back (clothed) .....jumping all the way to nipples and penis in a night was rather big leap. ...not to mention the extensive list of things that were done to me that I had never experienced.

My point is that it's going to take a special guy to want to be with me. ....a special guy who's able to wait for me, and go at my pace. And as I get older and older, I think that's going to be harder to find.

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