Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

"Guess I mistaken you for somebody else, somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself"
August 22, 2003 1:07 a.m.

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So I'm slowly making progress in my moving back into my room in my parents house. This of course consisted of too much pointless drama which was derived from alot of meaningless shit...which seemed meaningful at the time.

Again, slowly settling in. ..unpacking, preparing for the job search thing.

though I have a bad habit of only focusing my mind on unpacking for a short while before going out and doing something. My guess is that I'm subconciencely trying to keep myself from making that inevitable call to Jeff. ....I know I know, the bastard hasn't called me, but I'm going to call him one last time....just so he knows I've moved back to town.

I was going to call him tonight, but last night I remembered that tonight was Thursday and they always go to this certain bar on thursday night...this throws a few wrenchs into the situation.

Let's say I call and he's home and he picks up the phone (ignoring the likelihood of his screening my call and not picking up......or the likelihood of him picking up and telling me not to call again) say he invites me out with them ......I really didn't feel like I would be comfortable with what situation being my first interection with him since all of this has gone down. (I mean....maybe he really has been busy and I've been upset and crying for no reason.....but that still doesn't change the fact that he's not calling hurt me).

Now let's say I get his machine. ...this again could mean several things. 1. He's at work and none of the housemates are home or awake (which is logical) 2. They gone to the bar. 3. he's screening the call.

When I do make the call I would like it to be at a time to minimize the above options. A time when one of them should be home....realisticly him being home.....so a time when he might not be working or sleeping ...and they all aren't away at a bar for the night (the get there around 7:30pm ...might have been earlier tonight because the students are back in town. ....they have to get there early because they are there for a specific show and would like to have a specific table.)

And time not calling tomorrow because it's friday and I don't want it to be a "Oh it's friday she's expecting me to go out" kinda of thing. ....I dunno...my mind's fucked up.

If I told this to Libby she'd say something like "If he's really into you he wouldn't care what day or what time you called".

I dunno, I think my attempt to show that I could go without calling him (not that I called him alot in the first place) and wait for him to call me plan seems to surpassed the noraml amount of time. ....Last time I called him was July 26. ...I only know because it was the saturday of the weekend Tomb Raider 2 came out. ~sigh~ I know I know....that was a month ago. ....~sigh~ last time I spoke with him was July 7.

Fucking passive agressive, cowardly, dishonorable non commital fuck!

As Dali put so perfectly, the karma that is going to come upon him is going to be so horrible.

And as Banana3159 always ends her entries...if my life were a movie...the song on the soundtrack would be Jewel's Foolish Games

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