Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

new painting
July 26, 2004 6:28 a.m.

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I've started painting again, and I'm not quite sure how I feel about.

I keep being asked by people how my art is going and if I've done anything new....and really I hadn't. ...I was motivated a couple of months ago and I started a small piece, continuing in the same direct of where I left off. ...same topics same symbols. The piece was really nice, but there were some construction flaws. ...mainly regarding stability and durability...and I really never worked those out, but I decided to say "Fuck it" and the other night I was trying to start a portrait...just because I wasn't in the mood to put paint on that piece (for the above reasons and being worried about ruining it) but when I couldn't find a the image I wanted to paint,...I ran and got the piece and started it. .....And it came really easily. It's so beauiful I really love it.

Now this would be a good thing but...at the risk of sounding egotistical ....I sat back thinking, I'm really good at this, and I love doing this....I get the one profession where doing what I love is so difficult and unprofitable. I don't want to paint as a hobby. I really need to start focusing...but aside from a new places....I really don't have a clue on how to get my stuff out more.

Maybe I'll just make up a bunch of cds and take the train to chicago and wonder around town to galleries handing out my portfolio. ...is that a realistic idea? I have no idea.

for the longest time I've taking great pride in being an artist....loving everything about it....and now I'm like...."why did I fall in that trap? When everyone else was conforming....why did I have to be the individual?"

My life would be easier if I was a sheep. ...If I joined Student Gov't and did community service and studied for years for my SAT's. And had a real major and a gotten a real job.

I was sitting with Becky tonight and we were watching Next Generation. ...and at some point there was a line that made me think of a movie quote....and I then proceed with a string of movie quotes relating to that one. and I just sat back and I said to her. ...My life would be so much easier if I could read and remember law books like that. Then I could get a real job, and live in a real city, and I could have retirement savings and date a Tommy whereing yuppie who had just as much money as I ...and we could vacation in the Hamptons.

Instead I get to be the broke jobless artist with an eye for color a knack for remembering movie quotes who reads way to much pretenious literature, drinks too much coffee and plays too much chess.

Don't me...and my indulgence in self-pity.

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