Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

dealing with the mental drama.
August 06, 2004 10:03 p.m.

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Ugh, I am still trying to cope with all the drama. I finally got a hold of Carrie last night and was able to dish the dirt to her. After listening to me vent for awhile all she kept saying was that Jeff and I need to get together and talk about this situation like adults.

And one of things I kept telling her is that yes, I know that was a year ago, more than a year ago and I should be over this by now....maybe I've been indulging too much in self-pity, but at the same time it's really hard to heal a wound that deep when he comes back every few months and tears it back open. I mean...the day he cut ties with me was July 8th. He re-emerged in Oct. with the long walk thing and even IM'ed me to applogize. In Nov. I was invited out to a bar with them for a big time event. and then I'm invited to a party (actually received the invite before the event invite)Where I made and appearance and he tried to talk to me (also Nov.). Then on New Year's Eve he IM's me asking if I have plans and then shortly after contact me appologizing and wanting to hook up and make out with me and then in Feb. was Sean's Goodbye party. And then in March I called to appologize to him. And then now in July he re-emerged at that party. Ugh....so how many times is that that my stitches have been ripped open?

And as far as the Don (jeff's housemate) situation goes, I think I might pop over, but I'm taking a friend....that's all there is to it. I am not going there alone. I was planning for it to be Carrie, but tonight over dinner I had the world's most diabolical idea.....that I should take Marty ~Dr. Evil pinky placement~ Isn't that horrible! Not only would I be taking control of the situation, but I would be possibly making Don feel uncomfortable (this is only fair given how uncomfortable I am going to be) And it keeps him from think it's a date or that he is possibly going to get some. ...One of the reasons I would think he might have such a perception is because that's what Jeff and I used to do. We're movie dorks, we would get together and watch movies alot, and that was cool....atleast with me, and it seemed so with him, I mean...his movie collection is about the size of mine, and we both spent many a minute digging though the discount bin at Walmart.

Oh, and when I was bitching the Becky the other night about getting tired of chasing things (Jobs, boys, I'm always chasing) Becky made the perfect comparison. I feel like the Coyote that can never catch the road runner. I'm running and chasing and I have one great idea after another but all of them fail for whatever reason.

Ugh, That email has been sitting like a rock in my in my inbox as well as my stomach.

Hmmm after rereading it, maybe I'm freaking out over nothing, all the stress of everything (btw I just decided to add this my mom got fired as well, from the same place might I add.) job hunting, boys reemerging, trying to find someone to go to the concert with me, getting there, and recovering from my concert related soreness.....maybe I just blew everythingw ay out of porportion. Maybe I'll swing by there later tonight.

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Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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