Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

unhappy?
January 18, 2004 2:01 a.m.

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This being unhappy thing is not pleasent I don't like it. ...Unhappy isn't that the perfect word? I'm not really sad or ...not quite depressed ("you are neurotic and depressed it doesn't mean that you are sad" Everclear Normal like you) ...just unhappy. The sense of not being happy. or as dictionary.com would say

Not happy or joyful; sad or sorrowful: unhappy over his friend's departure.

Not satisfied; displeased or discontented: unhappy with her raise.

Not attended by or bringing good fortune; unlucky.

Not suitable; inappropriate: an unhappy choice of words.

I have infact notice a change in myself. not smiling (sometimes having to fake such behavior) looking around with complete disinterest in everything and everyone. Becoming cyntical and pretensious. Drinking lots of wine playing alot of chess. Bragging about both. and I find myself out having 'fun' where I'm just sitting around bored...or when it's somewhat interesting he seems 'fun' because I don't seem to be having much of the real fun stuff any more.

And as I look back over my recent diary entries I (merely reading the titles and taking a note of what icon was used to classify them) I have so many of the same one....the kid face. the one that is just the basic telling of facts. Not much especially happy not much really all that sad not many fun or silly, nothing really deep or thought provoking, just alot of vacant barely there thoughts. I don't like myself right now. I wouldn't want to hang out with me. a bitchy, cold cynical pretensious person.

anyway, I'm just rambling. I need to go find something to eat, or do, or watch or read or something.

new layout
January 18, 2004 1:43 a.m.

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So if you didn't notice I changed my layout. And the thing about that is I loved my last one, which is strange because I had had it since augest and still loved it! ..but I have this bad tendency to check out templete sites...especially if I go to someone's diary and really like the layout, I'll go and look at what else the artist has done.

I changed it this time because this one was just do damn good to give up. Granted...I'm not a big fan of the peachy colored backgrounds, and I wish the picture as at a different angle, BUT honestly! It's a picture of Meg! How often to you see a picture that's just Meg? you see plenty of Jack...or with the 2 of them together...but rarely one of just her, and who knew she was so hot! Plus the fishnets and wrist restraints. ....couldn't pass it up.

The print is a bit small...I might have to tweak that. Hate going to a diary where the print is so tiny.

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