Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

That Irish guy again
May 17, 2003 1:07 a.m.

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So I've been thinking all day about calling up the Irish guy and seeing if he wants to go see the Matrix with me. I know I know, the Matrix is evil but it's the only Choice. I want to see Down With Love, but that's not something I want to see with him. Plus I want to see it with B and C, same with X2, want to keep that in the Family, and...that same goes for Identity it's horror movie...those are reserved for B. I kinda want to see Holes,...but I might have wait till that's at the second run and see it as a I out with myself, cause I know no one else who wants to see it.

Therefore the Matrix as evil as it is (which I had determained I would see anyway and decided it will suck more on small screen so I'm watching it on the big screen) is the only choice to see with the Irish guy.

But this is assuming he wants to see it. And assuming he wants to see it with me or doesn't have plans. And...he's male, I don't think he'll pass on seeing an action movie. ~sigh~ I know he's into me. He told me that night he came over and sat with me that he had seen me around but never had the guts to talk to me before. And when we spoke on the phone he safely called me cute several times ("I think that's just a benafit of being a cute girl") and I think we ended up speaking for maybe 2 hours and he had to end the conversation because he had a meeting to go to...but he said he could talk to me.........was it all day or forever, I can't remember.

I just scared about leading him on. I mean, here I am 22, a college graduate and I have the dating history of a 13 year old. ....Hell, now a days with oral sex in middle school I might have to push that back to 10 or maybe even 8.

And plus the above makes me inexperienced nature that more awkward, I mean....I hate telling people that (granted I write about it all the time, but that's different). I mean...say it's a good day, say I'm attracted to him, but I don't think I'm willing to give up my first kiss to someone that fast, and then I have to explain so he doesn't feel bad...and ...plus I mean....I don't know do it...what if I do it wrong? I mean by my age ....I know I know........I know.....he'll know (whoever the lucky guy is....like the jump from my writing about one guy to spilling my insecurities on love in general maybe it's because I'm 5 episodes in on my new sex and the city dvd).

~sigh~ I guess I should just call him. .......not now. tomorrow.

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