yea for margaritas.
January 30, 2003 7:57 p.m.

I have been invited to submit 3 pieces to an invitational they are having next fall. ...and I perhaps a solo show maybe sometime next spring. In other words, I have scored 2 professional gigs before I have even graduated. ...I'm just in shock. It still hasn't hit me. I can't believe it's real.

Oh and B and I had a long talk last night. I believe it was the result of divine introvention. ...which I've been getting alot of lately. ...anyway. I went out to Applebees and joined a large table of my peeps. total of 6 of us at the table. I ordered food and drink .....and before I could finished people started to slowly leave....leaving just B and I at the table. ...I brought how odd it was because I had been wanting to talk to him but I wasn't sure when and how to do it. ...and it was as if the opprotunity had been forced upon me.

See I had another panic attack about the situation the other night ..and the one good thing about a panic attack is that it speeds up my thought process. ...and I have an insanely fast thought process as it is...so if I'm trying to work out a problem I can work it out faster. ...so I was able to pin point exact why I feel jealous. The reason I get jealous isn't because I'm a jealous girl...persay but because he is the only person in this world (aside from maybe T...but that's an entirely different situation) that I would want a hug from. ..The only person I am comfortable enough ..and trust enough to allow them to comfort and console me. ...And this seems to be something I can't have...and therefore when I see him be affectionate to anyone it reminds me again of what I cannot have. ..and that is why I get jealous....especially in regards to the girl I hate...the fact that there is this person I have such contempt for ...and even SHE is allowed to touch him or put her head on his shoulder,...and I am not.....that's why I get jealous.

Anyway...I told him a nervous version of this...and he seemed to understand but he didn't say much...although he did say that now he understood why I've been bitchy...and just made a comment about how the little Raven is all grown up....because 4 years ago I would have never just opened up about my feelings that easily.

Now a friend of mine told me once that if you do something that makes you totally vulnerable in front of someone...or if you tell them something that makes you entirely vulnerable ..it can't help but have that exact effect on them...they themselves will be come entirely vulnerable...

It is that reasoning that I believe he then told me something that he had been wanting to tell someone but was afraid of the reaction. I was absolutely fine with it.

It's an interesting thing....I have always said that he knows be better than anyone and I am entirely vulnerable in front of him at all times.....yet interestingly enough there was one realm that we have never discussed. ...We have never discussed .....seriously/non-jokingly discussed anything of a sexual nature. ...And last night we actually did this....I opened up and told him things about me that I've been able to acknowlege to just about everyone execpt that circle of my friends.

Over the years I have been taught to be ashamed of my sexuality ....and I am a verry sexual person. ...I'm a very sexual person. I cannot remember a time in my life when I did not masturbate in some fashion or another. ....That means I've been doing it for a very long time. ...I was doing it before even knew what it was and that it was 'wrong' ...but I one point I did become aware and ashamed and I became very good at hiding it or dening it. ..which is one reason why I like hanging out with a certain group of friends that are very very open and unashamed of their sexuality...I can be that part of myself around them ....a part of myself I can't be when I'm around B and C and the like.