Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

Libby manipulating me?
September 22, 2003 12:30 a.m.

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I'm worried that my friend Libby minipulates me just because she can. ...I've worried that before.

Earlier today we were talking about the Jeff situation and she made a comment "You don't think that makes you special because your inexperenced do you?!?!?" and at the time...the way she said it....I became instantly humble and said "no".

and then on my drive home I started thinking about what she said and I was all of a sudden like...."Fuck You!!! You're God Damn Right it makes me Special!". She has a way of saying things that makes me feel bad for being the way I am....or maybe that I'm wrong for being the way I am. and you know what? fuck her! Fuck her for making me feel like I'm wrong and that I've missed something ....because she pretty much regrets every day of her past and I think deep inside she wishes she was more like me. And maybe she's afraid of that and so by making me feel like I'm in the wrong it makes being her some how better. So fuck her for doing that to me, and making me feel that way.

I talked to Mr. Paul a bit tonight. He had to work when Libby called him to see if he wanted to go to dinner with us....but later that night he gave me a call saying they weren't all that busy tonight (he delievers pizzas) so I popped in and ended up going on a delievery with him and we talked about the book House of Leaves and the Poe cd "Haunted" which coninsides with the book. I have his cell phone number now so he said he wanted me to call...and I gave him my address because he said I'd like to come see me and we should go out and do something...he was saying he'd wisk me way and we go to a house of leaves book signing.

But I was considering calling him and telling about the above libby thing....but I'm a bit weary of getting to close to him because of some of the things Libby has told me about him,..and about his and her relationship. I mean...I can be friends with him, but I do find him sexy as hell (for several unconventional reasons, primarily his intelligance has his wisdom) but....I don't think I want to be anything but friends with him because I'm worried about what would happen if I made myself to vulnerable with him. but I don't know. ...I guess this could be part of the whole Libby manipulation thing. Again...I was worried before that she was trying to try to seperate me from all of my other friends ...making me rethink my relationships with them, and she still does that somewhat.....maybe I should bring it to her attention maybe she doesn't realize she's doing it...maybe she does. I guess I could talk about it with B too. I've done that before. Yeah, I just might do that. ....I'm just really scared that my nieve, vulnerable self is getting in way over my head with those 2 and and I'm scared of what my interaction with them will do to me in the long run. ....I starting to become really skeptical that Libby has my best interests in mind. ...I dunno, just really confused about the sitation. and she has done that to me before.

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