left behind.
April 09, 2005 5:12 a.m.

Why is that?

Yesterday, I spent my day off on the couch drinking water and oj and wanting to be put of my misery. Sick, is awful.

Yet at the same time, it was a lovely day, and I wanted to create....as I do now. and it's frustrating. here I am, feeling like someone just beat me down with a stick, drinking tea, and oj, and taking so much zinc that my lips are warped, ODing on cold medicine that doesn't seem to be working until I feel the difference as it wears off,...taking so much of it that it is removing all the mositure from my skin. My face is like paper and my tongue like sand. I can't consume enough water to feel normal again, which is really all I want.

I hate being sick.

Tonight I found out that B really is moving to New York. I mean, ...it's offical. No more dreaming or speculating, no more waiting or wondering. No more expecting, but now dear groundlings, oh yes, he's moving up way from us.

Moving off to the big city, the Big Apple, the Pie in the Sky.

moving away.

And the ache I feel isn't that he's leaving,...

It's that I'm being left behind.

The world is turning, everyone is actually living, and I'm still treading water in the baby pond.

I remember, when I was in high school I went on a ski trip. I didn't do well. I never made it off the bunny hill. But....in my defence the evil rope pully thing I had to hold on to was my down fall....it would always stop at the wrong moment before I got to the top. and I would inevitably fall back on my ass and tumble down the hill. Eventually, I gathered my froze self back to the lodge for something warm to drink. * * * * * * * * later on that night as everyone filed back to to the bus, I found that everyone I knew had some how graduated to the superior hills, the expert level hills. ....and me in my broken froze form, for all my effort, couldn't master the god damn bunny slope.

That's how I feel right now.

B is moving to New York to be a big time entertainment CEO (eventually). Another friend of mine is moving on to Grad school in Chicago.

2 of my friends are now planning to get married, join in the ranks of the 3 other couples I know....2 of which now have kids.

another friend of mine...graduated this year, and off to grad school already, in augest.

I know someone else making big bucks at Lilly.

I know a few people who now own their own houses!

Now...really, I don't want to be married. And I don't want kids, and I'm not planning to buy a house anytime soon. ..so it's not like I want to be doing exactly what they are doing, ...but the thing is, they know what that want to do with their lives and they are doing it! ...and I kinda know,....but I don't really and sitting around not doing anything, waiting for the next day to come saying that tomorrow will be better. ...Let me get a job, then things will be better, let me get a boyfriend, then things will be better.

The universe is throwing so much my way and I can't seem to lift a finger to help myself.

Now here's the Rub, the one I'm confronted with constantly. how is it I have so much effort sit here and type these goals and I can't be bothered to stretch a canvase?

And the rational is that I'm so fucking tired (and really I am seriously sick) that I just don't have the physical strength to do it. ...where as typing my thoughts takes little to no effort.

Why am I so scared?

I think my big fear of starting new work is that I'm going to put all those love, and time, and energy into something,...and all it will be come is another something to tack up on my wall, or to be buried in the workshop of my parents basement. Is that fear of rejection? fear of failure?

Van Gogh had one of the greatest worth ethics in art history, and during his life he received little reconnition. he got up with the sun, worked all day, and did it all over again the next. The man produced so much art!! and he was giving it away! I recall a story that Vincent had a woman pose for him, and he gave her the painting. She hated it, and she gave it to her son, which he used for archery practice. But Vincent kept working because he had to.

I just don't know what is wrong with me.

Really, next tuesday, I am calling my contact at a local coffeeshop and seeing how I can get a show there. None of this waiting till I write a statement....or till I've created more art bullshit. Just call her up, find out what she needs and then prepare.