kiss and tell.
June 07, 2003 5:38 p.m.

Jeff kissed me last night. We'd been hangin' out all night, went to a movie and then to another wabash 'party' (which was basicly a small group of friends watching The Hudsucker Proxy, which I love).

Wabash is a half an hour away, so on the drive there I finally explained to him why I have weird about the whole physical contact thing. He explained that his housemate is having issues right now with the fact that the girl he is dating is rather sexual experienced and he is not, and Jeff told me that there have been times when girls wanted to have sex with him on either the first or second date...but since he's a virgin (and a good Catholic boy) he's not into that, ....and that he is really liking this slow process we've been going though. He said it seems really healthy.

On the way back I was playing some Normals, convinced that he was asleep so I did a bit of singing which I've been reluctant, for whatever reason, to around him.

But when I started making the final turns to get to his place he was commenting how it was a shame we got there so soon.

We sorta sat in front of his place for a bit, listening to the wisdom of the Andrew, ...or at least I was.....and then he just leaned over and kissed me. It was so unexpected and I was so surprised that I reacted very defensively, no little voice in my head forcing me to relax.

It was so weird, I know I did not react well at all. I mean I don't know what I was expecting but it was like all of a sudden there's a leach on my face, and he tasted kind funny (I think it was the cigarettes). ....Tie that in with the fact that I had really no idea to kiss him back. ...So I was rather stunned and startled and it was especially hard to look at him, .....all the while I'm feeling absolutely horrible for reacting in this manner. We discussed this briefly....him asking me what I was thinking and what not....We embraced for awhile and he kissed me a few other places, my hand, my forehead, the underside of my wrist (have I mentioned I have wrist fetish).

He ended up kissing me on the mouth maybe 3 times before getting out the the car...(whispering in my ear telling me to relax) ...the last one I think I was starting to relax a bit and when he got out all he could say was "wow".

Meanwhile the who situation has me all confused and shaken up. I mean....as I drove away last night I started shaking uncontrolablly, I was worried how it was affecting my driving so I tried to maintain focus till I got home.

I'm still so weirded out. I think he's supposed to call me in a half and hour and I'm not sure if I want to see him. I confused and I don't know how to act around him now and I don't want to talk about it either...atleast not with him. I tried to call B but no one was home.

and one thing I keep think is here's this thing that everyone loves to do...and I'm awful at it and am horribly afraid of doing it.

I think one can add fear of commitment and fear of failure to my list with fear of vulnerablity,.....and I think the fear of vulnerablity and fear of commitment stem from my fear of failure.