Something Blue
August 22, 2005 12:40 a.m.

and I think I want to write about them out of order.

Yesterday I went to the wedding of 2 people I have know since middle school. No, they have not been dating all that time, but rather the started dating in college.

The Ceromony was very beautiful I was a Catholic service, though Becky and I opted not to attend the mass before hand. We were remotely curious, but it started at 8am, and we had an hour drive to get to the church...So that meant being ready to leave our house by 6:30am. ...not going to happen.

I don't think I wrote about this before, but we made the mistake of misreading the invitation and showed up to the wedding a week early. It was tragic. we got there to find the church locked and thought we had be logic out as not to disturb the ritual.

...So this week we are on time, we were even early...we had the chance to use the restroom too!!

Now, here's where it gets interesting. Jeff was the bestman (isn't it ironic, don't cha think?) And he and my friend the Groom greated us at the door....a bit weird, some tension. Then the Awesome Jack seated us.

Now, I will say I'm not especially emotional at weddings. When this one girl I knew got married, it was lovely but I didn't cry or anything. ...When another friend got married,...I cried just a bit.

Now...that wasn't quite the case with this one.

I haven't been to a catholic wedding before, so this was all new to me. ...Now I don't know if this is part of the custom, but the bride and groom joined hands at the back of the church and walked up together. This was a surprise and very beautiful and it really hit me and I started to cry alittle. ....but I was able to keep them in check. I also cried a bit during the rings and the vows,....but again, just a couple of tears and I kept everything in check.

But....when we got outside the chuch for the meetngreet, I lost it. ...and it only got worse the closer I got. ...the only thing I can think to comapare it to is a funeral ...where you're fine, maybe in denial or shock, but when you see them in suddenly hits home and you know. ....so I really really started crying,...and I hugged Katie and then I hugged John, and with Jeff being the best man he was next in line and I couldn't ignore him....and I looked at him, in this emotional state, ..and I just said,..something like (I can't quite remember) "Hi Jeff, here, give me a hug" ....and I was intending on just giving him a polite hug. But when he hugged me, he really hugged me, and I really hugged him back. ....and it felt like a pure moment,...that when he was hugging me he was expressing how sorry he was,....and I hugged him back letting him know that I had forgiven him. ...And the truth is that until that moment, I don't think I had. I dunno,...it bought amazing closure to that situation. I think I'm going to stop thinking of him as "Scum" but, rather, as a 21 year old male who fucked up. That's what you do in your 20's, you fuck up. .....And really, ....he hurt me so bad. it's only now that I'm really realzing how deeply he hurt me. ....He hurt me beyond just being broken up with,.....it was sooo deep. Makes me wonder if I will care about someone so purely again. even now I fear that there are layers of shell so thick around me that are impossible to penatrate. I care very much for the boyfriend, but sadly, I am still guarded. I dunno, maybe I think that just because he's not here. There are still places I don't think I've let him into because I'm so afraid of being hurt that deeply again. maybe that's why we haven't actually had sex.

The point is...that it was very healing. I've quit hating him. As much as I hate ot admit it, or was in denial of... I very definately hated him. I was angry and hurt, and I hated him. I wanted him to hurt, I wanted him to be miserable. I believed the worst of him. I wanted him to continue to do bad things because I believed he was evil and souless. I heard he felt bad and felt guilty and I wanted him to! I saw his name online and I immedately thought badly of him and how good my life is now. God, I just wanted him to suffer and suffer and suffer again.

Now, I don't feel that way. I'm past it, I'm through hating him. It's taken me 2 years to have closure. ..and I think I mean all this.

....Oh, but continuing on about the wedding. After Jeff was my friend Aric, who was also a groomsman, and I of course, really hugged him. I mean, I gave him a really really long tight hug. It was really intense. very emotional. ....it was like this major life change. ...that wow we are all growing up,...I don't quite know how to explain it, but I was just so emotional.

when we got into the reception, it seems that Becky and I were seated at the table with my middle school art teacher, her husband and this other guy we all grew up with. ....This teacher always treated me like I had no talent and was just a hanger on type. She never had any respect for me. ....And well this other guy he was on of her favorites and she always made that known. And so she just sat there kissing his ass and he was kissing his, and the both had themselves so far up each others asses that they just were fair too goddamn importent to talk to us. They were just off in there own world and clearly Becky and I could not being smart enough, or talented enough to understand or contributed to the conversation. ....Ugh it pissed me off so much. Really, I think that whole situation really lit a fire under my artistic ass. I mean, I've already been working on those 2 pieces. I want to finish them, ASAP....and not just that ...but right the fuck away! ...Like within the next week or so. And I want to send my portfolio to Wells and this other gallery in town, and I want to get a show at want and to send her an invitation and one giant "FUCK YOU! you didn't think I had talent, and thought I'd never amount to anything. Fuck you!, Bitch. I'd call you a CUNT ....but really the cunt is too lovely of a thing to defile by referencing you as it".

Yep, a day of enotional landmines. Everywhere I went there was another one exploding. All and all a very emotional day.

The boyfriend's diary tonight brought it to my attention that this is our 6th month anniversery. Total Craziness!! Who'd've thought 2 crazy kids from diaryland who exchanged elicit emails would end up in a 6 month relationship? it does not feel like 6 months. We're still like little kids riding our bikes together after school. We've had some scarey, hurtful moments, where I was convinced that I had fucked things up and he was really going to leave that time.

Wow, I really miss him.

I think its time to write him and tell him how much I care.