this drink didn't quench
August 26, 2003 4:30 a.m.

I've been doing a lot of thinking. ...which is the reason for the frequent entries involving him.

But honestly I think it's gotten to a point where I'm thinking he has severed his purpose in my life, that when I make that call (to tell him I'm back in town) and he were to answer, give me a good ...good excuse and we were to attempt to pick up where we left off, I've been hurt so bad that I don't think I could trust him again, at least not right away. (though as I type this I'm having second thoughts.....I had this epiphany last night).

I get this feeling that he was just there to give me my first experience with romance, my first kiss, and my first real heartbreak. ...and then I have to continue on my path without it for awhile. It's like running a marathon. ....every now and again you come upon a water table, they give you your dixie cup full. You drink a little and pour the rest on your head. ...to quench your thirst at the moment....then to carry that feeling with you until the next opportunity...but that won't come for a long time. ....And often that slight, little drink just makes you more thirsty.

I feel as if that's going to be all I'm gonna get for awhile....I just have to keep running and forget about it. ....focus on my path....find a day job (or night job) so I can have the means to paint.....try and set up an art career...getting my work out and exposed. Decided if I'm going to go to school for teaching ...save some money, become financially independent.

I made a comment a couple of weeks ago when I was in the studio late on a Friday night (not a new occurrence)....someone asked why I was there...or something, and I said...."Well my purpose in life is to make art,...where else should I be?".

I meant it jokingly when I said it...but as I thought about it...it's the perfect mission statement for my life. It's as if the purpose of my life is the be the perfectionist workaholic artist that is always alone in the studio. ...I'll have friends for support from time to time but no romance there distracting me. good or bad.....no one I'm dying to put off my work to go and see...and no one depressing me to the point of putting off work because I can't focus or don't have a desire to do anything, including paint.....no one causing me to feel guilt (by them or self-imposed) for choosing the studio over them.

At least now I know what it's like to kiss someone.

Now I know what it's like to fall asleep in someone's arms, listening to his heart....and the relaxed deep breaths he takes.

and then to wake up in the morning and have him hold me and kiss me and make me feel like I'm the most beautiful person in the world.

I have a new perspective that I never had before. I know what it's like to physically feel like my heart is broken. and to have those phantom sensations on my lips, my side, of remembrance of what it was like to have someone pressed against them.

I want so badly to have that feeling back. I want all those things back. .....but I don't see it happening any time soon. ....I'm a long way from the next water station, and this drink didn't quench my thirst but made me long for that long drink even more.

That's a big Cross
August 25, 2003 12:20p.m.