Raven in Green again..

nothings changed the senates still corrupt & the emporer remains insane, and every day, is a new strain of slaughter, supply lines are less protected, evil on all sides, eye can smell the death on your flesh--creeping in, trapped within the twisting fingers of fear, and all eye see is ewe, that face, those eyes, burning like leprosy, eye can see u there poisoning the air, prostituing Nationalism, and eye want to attack, to rip out your heart and lay you flat on your back, and vomit a world of agony and truth into your throbbing illness of memory...and hate guides our way, eye long for the icy slap of a belt across my back, for the acceptance of death and blind cave war, the giving sleep of depression, the sweet elucidation of savage meaningless agression, chiseled in the meaty forearms of Mother Jupiter and his slave disciples, in the harem tents--outside, just beyond the edges--eye ride, a cycoptic mare in the fires of imagination. feeding my disease, a river of plagues, eye need something to remind me I'm still sinning that pain is important, that wurdz matter, that healing is possible, that eye am not alone ...in this --guard the houses--triple the watch,--Maidens, dig up your sorcery --sirens, sharpen your rocks..ewe will eat my pain again. whatever you need unite messiah ME

--Wurdz by Otep Shamaya

"that's the meanest thing you've ever said to me"
July 15, 2003 5:28 a.m.

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this no orgasm thing is starting to piss me off. It's seriously annoying. I mean....I can get so close....and then it just doesn't happen....I mean...I can be really turned on and enjoying myself....and then...I dunno what but it will just seem out of reach and I'll lose interest and think...wow sleep sounds good and then just roll over and go to sleep. .....I mean...I've even tighted up so much that I can't fit more than one finger (my vibrator is in fact almost too big ...and it's quite small) so I don't use it much.

I mean....I've been known to have 4 or 5 during the course of an hour.....so this none business is really pissing me off. I mean this has been going on for alittle over a month....again since I've started dating Jeff.

I'm sure that has something to do with it...but I can't figure it out.

my guess is that I think it's wrong to think of him and do that kind of thing....so I don't. I mean...I don't think it's wrong to think of someone while doing that...just him. If I'm imagining kissing someone, he's the only person I've kissed....so I think of him...and then...maybe that's why I can't...I dunno...but it happens even when I'm not thinking dirctly of kissing someone.

and it's not that I'm depressed. I haven't been. maybe I am a bit now but ...actually until recently this is the happiest I've been in a long time. I don't know what it is. .....my guess is that my head is getting in the way. I start thinking way to much and then get caught in the thinking and not the feeling and then once I think about an orgasm...or that I might actually have one...it's gone.

Ugh...all I know is that I want my orgasm back.

Boys, can't live with'em.......
July 15, 2003 1:35 a.m.

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Okay. I haven't heard from Jeff. On my drive back to town I was listening to my Steve Poltz cd and there was a verse that came up that I've beens singing non stop.

"Well did you get my calls? I left you 2 or 3. Now are ya goin' deaf?......or just ignoring me? I left my key at the desk, it's check out time for me. Baby I don't love you, I just loved yesterday."

I just don't understand why I haven't heard from him. It doesn't make sense. When we parted it didn't seem like that would be the last time I would see him.

Now...he could be out of town, or busy or at work...or even laid up in the hospital in a dieabetic coma....in which case I would feel bad for flipping out. but...yeah. I don't know what's up.

And so then there's the situation with the Irish guy. I saw him about 2 weeks ago (I think) just after seeing Jeff. And since I started dating Jeff my local sciezophrinic has being commenting not stop about how I'm glowing so much. ....and on one of these occasions....the irish guy was right there. He came over and talked to me a bit,...but heard it all...and I felt SO horrible. I didn't call him back after meeting Jeff because I didn't know what to say ..and I felt so so bad! especially since he heard about how happy I was now that I was dating this other guy. But....when I got home tonight I played my machine....there wasn't a message from Jeff...but there was one from the Irish guy wanting to hang out sometime. ...Now call me evil but I had been thinking how I had screwed up seeing the irish guy because he heard how wonderfully happy I was..and wouldn't want to hear from me...and how rude it would be now that I don't know if Jeff and I are still dating to call him and go out. But,.....since he called me again...I think I will have to call him up....even if it is just to get coffee or something not serious.

Past

Present

Coffee

Zeldman

Otep

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