When you quit telling people things, you write long entries
April 17, 2004 6:55 a.m.

the whole losing job thing has made me really fucking depressed. I mean....I've been depressed alot...and I'm usually some level of unhappy. which I've said before. ...yeah...really I'm usually unhappy. I can tell you what months of what years I've been happy. Last June, the second half of '99 and the first part of '00. I was really happy then. Most of the time if I'm 'happy' it's a feeling of relief and enjoyment of the fact that I'm not as down as usual. ...so if I'm down....I'm really down.

And this past month I've been experiencing depression symptoms I don't recall having before.

Example: Isolation. I've been really isolating myself. Usually when I'm down I do the opposite, I become really social. I go places, I do things, I see people. I guess it's a means of distraction, usually I go see B. This month I've been really hiding. I've been using my ultra secret AIM screen name which (that I know of) no one but the NZ guy knows, and he isn't on very often. So when I'm online (which is alot these days) I have no desire to converse with anyone else) I don't call people, I rarely go out. Now....I have been drawn out a few times to hang out with this new interesting group of people. That would be tonight, and last friday night and I even went down to see B and C for Easter last Saturday. I was orginally planning on going Friday afternoon and be there when B got off work, but when I called him that afternoon after discussing various unrelated things I asked him again if I could come down and he asked me if I could come down saturday instead. informed me in so many words that since C was out of town and not getting back until late that night that he had the house all to himself....which means he was inviting someone over and getting laid. Now...I'm find with him getting laid, but for some reason that day...maybe it was because I had just finished seeing The Passion with my mom (it was Good Friday after all) that really upset me. I then proceeded to watch the last 4 eps of season 3 of QAF which weren't exactly uplifting.

At some point after this, feeling cold and lonely and generally horrible I decided to take a hot bath.

laying there in the hot water...looking up at the white ceiling, the white tile, my underwater shower curtian blocking out some light and creating an aweing sight I floated there feeling so lonely and unloved and unwanted that I can't recall a time ever feeling worse.

Because (like everyone it would seem) I had a particularly unpleasant childhood when I was away from my family, I have gotten very good at surpressing emotions. and I know I know...I was trying to be good recently and actually start feeling things...and for awhile I was even able to cry...and was at just about everything, but...now since I've entered the cynical and jaded part of the whole Jeff thing I can't seem to do it anymore. And when I was there in the tub I started to realize this.....how somehow I keep everything in and don't really have a clue how to release it.

At one point I started singing the Evanesance song "Hello". I can't remember if I've typed the lyrics before. I think this might be my favorite of their songs and has replaced Garbage's "Drive Me Home" as my 'It's night and I'm depressed so I'm going to drive around and sing' song. Usually when I'm singing this I'm focusing on singing it correctly to the best of my ability....from hitting the notes right to getting the proper vowels.

But that night....submersed the water at my lowest, feeling absolutely weak and hopeless, looking up at the vast white....I began to sing and singing some of those words broke me. My voice was no longer beautiful but broken and deformed as I cried.

"If I smile and don't, believe, soon I know I'll wake from this dream...."

"Suddenly I know I'm not Sleeping! Hello! I'm still here!! All that's left of yesterday!"

That's how I feel about everything. I think I've written how I feel like somehow that tornado incident that at the time reaffirmed my faith some how transported me to another demention and that this isn't the life I'm supposed to be living. I'm supposed to be still with Jeff, I'm supposed to still be happy. I'm supposed to have a studio with my friends here in town, and making art, working some shit job to pay the bills as I try to find art gigs. ...This is why the first line I typed got me...That's what I've been doing since August. ...Smiling, not believing and hoping that any minute I'll wake up. But as I laid in that tub it hit me that it's all real (now I might have gone back into denial..but at the time...)

And that's where the second line comes in... as well as the fact that I feel alone and isolated from EVERYONE! It's not just the people in this town that I hang out with who I find mildly stimulating, it's my best friends! It's B! ...It's B choosing to get laid over comforting me in a time of need. ....And that's cool....it's just that I feel forgotten. I no longer belong there anymore. I used to compare friendship to the line in Music from Another Room regarding love. Comparing love to when you are listening to music from another room and it's a song you really like and you decide to sing along, and for some reason there's a point when you can't hear the music anymore...a car drives by...a door closes...you keep singing any way, an when the music comes back you are still in time with the music. ......In regards to all my out of town friends I feel that somehow I got out of sync with the music. ...some people, like Libby, I think I've even forgotten the words. When I'm around B and C and J now adays ...I feel...so out of place. B and Mr. Paul somehow became friends since I moved back here and they are starting a business and that's all they talk about...and practically all B talks about. I mean...there are times when I'm there when Mr. Paul with come over when it's late, and B will answer the door, and sneak out on to the porch almost like he's trying to hide Mr. Paul from me,...they have a conversation about who knows what...and B will come back in acting like nothing happened.

When I went down on Saturday,...I went down late because I ended up going out friday night...I think the cry did me good) (Oh...I was going to add...that I could only cry when I sang those lines. ...eh maybe a Fight Club moment...but it felt so good to let that out....so I had to sing the song a few more times...I'm not sure why...I'd calm down...and then feel compelled to sing the song again, and cry more) I was intending on staying till at least Monday, possibly Tuesday afternoon. I came back late Sunday night, getting home around 2am. ..It wasn't that I didn't want to stay.....I just wanted to be home....this is getting back to this isolation the I was mentioning. I was with the people I care about most...the people I aways find comfort in when I'm upset, I left that early because I just wanted to be home. I wanted to be in my house, alone, in my room. In my room.

That friday after my break down in the tub..I took the post bath cleansing shower and had a conversation with God. I know when typed the answers always seem....what's the word, possibly arrogant...but I'm going to type them.

basicly I pinned everything I was upset about down to the Jeff situation. How I was unable to acknowlege the reality of the situation and moved here in August to chase after him....when deep down I knew he was gone and just didn't want to admit it. See when I met Jeff I thought he was a gift from God, that God had finally brought to me the one thing I had been lacking. ...so because of this I've had a hard time dealing with his being taken from me. The answers i got were that God did give me Jeff....he also gave Jeff me. He new Jeff would run from me ("How we run from the things we need" The Order) but it was not what he wanted, and it hurt him (that Jeff would do that to me) as much as it hurt me. It also hurts him to see the place Jeff is now. But...he also knew that there was a lesson I needed to learn (I needed to get my heart broken at some point and become less nieve and become less idealistic of people) and I could only learn this by getting hurt from someone like Jeff. And he...needed to learn the reprocussions of his actions and this could only come from hurting someone like me. We are both exstreme examples of what we are and the lessons required these exstremes. It's one thing to be a 13 year old girl's first kiss and break her heart, it's quite another to be the first kiss of a 23 year old and break her heart. and who does a defensive, hard to get 23 year old allow to kiss her?....only someone perfect.

Anyway....like I said when I started typing, I've been isolating myself. ...sleeping days, staying up all night....alternating between insomnia and hypersomnia...my usually symptom of depression....communication with only those who seek me out...Becky...primarily because I live with her, and ...the NZ guy who is the only person I've been directly seeking out.....and believe me if I wasn't already confused by that situation...all I've done is making it worse. staying up all night half hoping he'll pop online....not that I really want to converse with him....I dunno..I'm confused. We've been emailing alot lately ...mainly because he can't use aim at work anymore. ...but I've gotten weird about all that....becoming way to girlie for my own liking or good....watching my inbox getting irritated when his response isn't as long as I think it should be, or sometimes him sending 1 for 2 of mine...becoming irritated when he tells me he'll be on one night and he's not... and I know I shouldn't give a shit. I know it has nothing to do with him...I know it's because I'm upset and for some reason I chose him to comfort me...since It's not working...that's why I'm getting upset. It has nothing to do with him. I don't know why I'm suddenly needing so much attention from him.

He sent me this email the other night...with a weird picture in it..him making a funny face..I don't quite get it. and that sort of turned me off to even conversing with him. I didn't respond then..and I have yet to do so.....I'm not really sure when I will...I have things to tell him but I just don't feel like writing them.

Heh....speak of the devil, he just signed on...7 am. I think I'll stop writing this and let him distract me for awhile.