"Well I guess I'm getting older, just like everybody else"
November 09, 2003 2:00 a.m.

My friend Becky and I have begun the search for an apt. It would be nice to move in in December.

My mom is driving us absolutely insane. She is constantly contradicting herself. One minute she'll be doing her darnest to push me out the door and trying to lecture me about life in the real would......and the next she has a hold on me so tight refusing to let go. I mean....she fucking called about the apt we went and saw today. I mean granted it was a fucking great apt that we might not have found if she hadn't called, but that's irrelavant. The fact was that is us who will be living there...we know what we want ...we want to call. ....Then after we saw it today she wanted me to tell her all the details of it ...critizing somethings...and making sq footage comparisons ("All the hard wood we put in our house was 800 sq feet...so if this place is 1148 sq feet") ..I was just like "MOM, I saw the place I don't need you making comparisons so I can know how big it is! .....and commenting on the lack of a closet or this or that its like...Look we saw the place we know what it has, what it doesn't and how it we could arrange it to fit out needs. chill the fuck out, you're not gonna be the one living there. I mean when she told me about it on friday she asked if I wanted her to go with me...and I said no....and she was like "Well you want us to look at the one in Terre Haute" and the thing with that is 1. It was my first time living alone. 2. My parents were paying for it. ....neither of these details pertain to this situation because I have lived on my own And I'm gonna be the one footing the bills.

Situation makes me think of the Bobby Gaylor "Suicide" song. "You'll miss the rush of getting your first apartment... Getting to the point in your life where you can tell your parents to "FUCK Off! I gotta make my own mistakes....you did!" Doesn't help that I'll still have to work with her...but no looking a gift horse in the mouth.

It was a really kick ass place though....we're gonna look at a few others because we don't want to blindly take the first thing we see....but I was a fucking great place. yeah...1148 sq ft. $600 a month....we pay electric and gas. ...Washer/dryer. new stove, dish washer. Full bath. awesome kitchen.....kick ass big front room....little garden space. our own front patio. 3 blocks from work. walking distance to coffee, books, music. and buses for Becky. Though it is missing a unitarian room (like say a dining room) that we could set up as studio.

Oh and you know what is especially irritating? I have everything and yet I'm unhappy. I have a good, well paying job. I have friends, I have every material object I need..clothes, shoes, cds, movies, books. by all accounts I should be happy. And I'm not. I've written before that the only time in my life here I was happy was my freshman year in college. ...Now that's not saying that I haven't been happy other times...I mean...sure I was giddy for a week after T touched my elbow. and I've enjoyed going to amusement parks. ...What I mean ...is being happy...not miserable without reason or distraction. Reasonable distraction? the above....or going to a concert of a band I love...That's a temperary fix. I mean waking up in the morning smiling and content, not being weighed down.